Diablo III, DRM and modern gaming tomfoolery.

Say what you will about retro gamers, but some of their gripes with modern games are legitimate problems. While I dislike DRM, especially for consoles, I do understand it’s purpose in the PC gaming world; piracy is rampant here. Granted, thanks to services like Steam, PC gaming is thriving. In fact, I’m certain PC games are selling even more copies than when PC gaming was in it’s prime during the 1990s. That being said, this bullshit about being required to be online in order to play a game is completely ludicrous. I can understand the online-only requirement for MMOs, but not for a single-player game that has an optional multiplayer mode.

The “Error 37” message that is currently plaguing Diablo III players is a perfect example of why DRM like Blizzard’s Battle.net system are awful for gaming. Of course, Blizzard would consider Battle.net a social media platform for their games as opposed to a data rights management system to save their games from piracy. I suppose I do understand the merits to the Battle.net system, as it allows Blizzard fans easy access to their Blizzard game library and friends that they play Blizzard games with. It also keeps track of all your Blizzard-related gaming habits and even provides gamers with digital back-up copies of all their Blizzard titles. While all of this is nice, it’s not completely necessary. Furthermore, there are better kinds of DRM than “online-only” gameplay and account registration.

Rule 34 - No exceptions.

The vast majority of PC games don’t have this kind of Draconian DRM. There are other games that I’ve found that do require a constant internet connection in order to play the game (many of which are Ubisoft titles), but thankfully they are in the minority. I’m hoping that Blizzard’s current problems with Diablo III will act as a deterrent to other developers and publishers that wish to impose this kind of insipid DRM on gamers. Sadly, gamers aren’t helping matters when the post petition threads (like this one) that praise Blizzard for all of their hard work in making Diablo III and shirk criticizing Blizzard’s incompetence. Diablo III is a fine game, but Blizzard has to learn that their Battle.net system is a serious problem.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

I’m a little late to the party with this one (as usual), but read it anyway! NOW!

Mario just won’t go away. Yes, he’s an icon. He’s more recognizable than Mickey Mouse. But, seriously, how many Mario games does Nintendo have to churn out every year? I’ll admit, I’m a sucker for a good platformer, and Nintendo makes some damn good ones even though they all feature the same damn Italian plumber and his taller, oft forgotten (and much more awesome) brother.

Super Mario 3D Land came out last year. I purchased it (along with a 3DS) in Februrary, played it and beat it in the same day. Why am I just now reviewing it? Well, I had shit to do. Like play through all three Mass Effect games a couple of times because I’m a nerd (you can check out my review, here). Anyway, here’s the skinny on one of the latest Mario platformer.

Story

The Tanooki Tree at Princess Peach’s castle is struck by lightning, which sends Tanooki Super Leaves across the world. These Super Leaves give everything in their path Tanooki powers, including Bowser’s minions. Of course, Bowser kidnaps the Princess yet again and Mario has to save her. After saving the Princess, however, the story continues with Luigi as he travels through stages more difficult than the ones Mario tackled. The story, unfortunately, is typical for a Mario game. The formula is getting rather old, but it’s a staple of the Mario franchise and it’s obviously not going away anytime soon. Besides, who plays Mario for the story anyway? Sure, a new Mario story would be great. Something more adult, even. I’d like to see a Mario title written by James Gunn and developed by Goichi Suda, but that’s mainly because I’m demented.

I've missed you, Tanooki suit.

Gameplay

For those not “hip” to the always-classic Mario franchise, the Tanooki Leaves first appeared in Super Mario Bros. 3. They are magical leaves that give Mario a tail that allows him to smash blocks, defeat enemies and “fly” and “float” for a short period of time. In Super Mario 3D Land, it’s perhaps the most important power-up, as there are numerous obstacles that require near-perfect jumps and precise landing in order to survive. Other power-ups include: Super Mushroom, Fire Flower, Starman and the all-new Boomerang Flower, which allows Mario to hurl (spoiler!) boomerangs at enemies and collect items from a distance.

The difficulty curve in Super Mario 3D Land is pretty much perfect, as the game gets progressively more challenging without any sudden leaps. This is especially true when it comes to the Special Stars that can be collected (three per stage). These stars are hidden in clever spots to begin with, but as the game progressed I found them in the oddest places (having the 3DS’s 3D turned on can help in some cases) and started missing them more often.

The boss battles are fairly simple (jump on them three times to win) and just require well-timed jumps to be victorious, but some of these boss stages are filled with nasty traps and terrain. Having the Tanooki power-up is pretty much a must for some of the bosses, but the Boomerang Flower can also be effective.

Bowser really needs to come up with a new plan to thwart Mario. Seriously, he's worse than Lex Luthor.

Controls

Smooth, simple and effective. Despite the awkward design of the 3DS, I never found Super Mario 3D Land’s controls to be cumbersome. They work like they should, and don’t have a steep learning curve. Using the touchscreen to access stored power-ups is a nice touch, as well.

Big Boo will always be one of my favorite Mario enemies.

Graphics & Sound

Everything one would expect from a Mario title: colorful, bright visuals and catchy music. The 3D effect is a nice touch, but it doesn’t really add anything to the gameplay. Sure, there are moments when the 3D can be beneficial, but Super Mario 3D Land can easily be played with the 3D settings turned off. I’ve yet to play a game, or watch a film, where 3D actually made a difference; it looks nice, but that’s about it. That being said, Nintendo did create the stages in such a way that made the 3D effects actually work, and weren’t just tacked on after the game was finished.

Verdict

Say what you will about Nintendo’s insistence on cranking out new iterations of their aging franchises, the concept works. This game is flawless, and is perhaps the best Mario game since New Super Mario Bros. Wii (which has a sequel due out on the 3DS this year). It’s a must-buy and a perfect addition to the 3DS’s ever-growing library. Nintendo is the king of platformers, and Super Mario 3D Land is yet another solid notch on Nintendo’s bedpost.

9.5

And now for something different.

Super Hornio Bros. was a fine achievement in cinema.

Peach has never been this sexy.

I’ve always felt that I have a great sense of humor, and can laugh at jokes that others might find offensive. However, I do realize that there are certain types of jokes that can go too far, and that the best “offensive” jokes are the jokes that break stereotypes and make the audience uncomfortable in order to prove a point and/or make people think. These kinds of jokes, though, are being told by professional stand-up comedians that are masters of their craft. Internet trolls, online gamers and others in the World of Geek don’t seem to understand that. Homophobic, sexist and racist remarks have become a mainstay of geek culture (especially amongst gamers), and this language is casually defended as just “being jokes” and that “people are too easily offended these days.”

Before the release of Modern Warfare 2, Activision released a viral ad for the game that featured the homophobic language that is constantly spewed by angry, ignorant gamers over Xbox Live, PSN and PC servers. Kotaku posted a great write-up on the ad, condemning it as tasteless and doing nothing to bring legitimacy to gaming. Sadly, the comments below the article are mostly from people that defend bigoted insults and slurs that are so prevalent in competitive gaming. The commenters primarily defended the language by claiming that it was “part of the culture”, “harmless” and the words take on a different meaning given the context. I agree that context is rather important, and in regards to the context of gamers using hate-speak for competitive and humorous purposes, they’re just being rude dicks and not the clever comedians or serious athletes that they wish they are.

I’ll admit, I have used some of this negative language in the past, and, just like the Kotaku commenters, I’ve typically defended it by telling people to remove a stick out of their ass and lighten up. Granted, I really only made these kinds of jokes when I was around friends that spoke that way constantly, and I always felt guilty when I kowtowed to their juvenile mentality. Over the past few years I’ve tried to remedy this, which hasn’t been too difficult as I’ve always been one that tries their best to watch what they say (which is part of the reason I’m a very socially awkward person). I’ve been fairly successful at quelling this behavior, but I do slip up from time to time. In this week’s episode of Dangerous Kids, for example, there is a moment when the four of us laugh about a gamer’s handle (one that I’ve mentioned on the show before) that is “TheRapeTrainHasNoBrakes”. We then proceed to make a couple of dumb rape jokes, but quickly move on. I feel bad about the event, and only played along because I didn’t want to start an argument, especially on one of our more energetic episodes.

I realize that the term “rape” in gaming culture doesn’t mean to violently force someone, usually a woman, to have sex, and instead is used as a synonym for “destroy” or “annihilate.” Years ago I used to support this rationalization, but I have since changed my mind. There is absolutely no reason to tell a person to “rape” their opponent(s) or vice versa. Doing so is not only sophomoric, but it is abhorrent behavior that tells rape victims that what happened to them is the equivalent of getting their ass-kicked at Street Fighter. Understand this: Rape is one of the most horrific things that can happen to anybody and isn’t to be taken lightly. George Carlin famously said that rape can be funny. He’s right, it can be funny, but only when done in a brilliant and satirical manner that only stand-up comics like him can provide.

I’m certain that some of the co-hosts on the Dangerous Kids podcast will disagree with some of what I’m saying in this column, and that some of our fans may just wave-off my opinions as being politically correct and humorless. I’m far from being a champion for political correctness, I just want my fellow geeks to act in a more civil and measured fashion. As for me being humorless? Yeah, sure. Tell that to my Troma film collection, Suda51 game library and shelf of Garth Ennis books.

Does L.A. Noire live up to it’s name and encapsulate everything about film noir and pulp fiction? As a film noir junkie, I have some opinions.

Rockstar’s L.A. Noire is enjoyable yet fairly disappointing. The premise and gameplay, at least conceptually, are brilliant, as is the motion-capture technology used to film the actors. However, there are some key flaws that keep L.A. Noire from becoming the revolutionary, groundbreaking, genius game that it should be.

Flaw #1 – Cole Phelps is robotic, boring and overreacts to everything.

I don’t have a problem with the fact that Phelps is kind of a prick and a “by-the-books” tool. I do, however, take issue with the fact that he’s so predictable and dull. Furthermore, his reactions during the questioning phases can be a bit too over-the-top and irrational (his browbeating of the girl in the hospital bed is a perfect example).

One of the key components of any good noir story is the gradual slide to paranoia and insanity that the protagonist experiences throughout the story. Rockstar set up the story to reflect this common theme (war veteran returns home, becomes an all-star detective, life goes down the shitter, etc.), but their hero, more or less, fails to react accordingly. Phelps remains fairly static throughout the entire game and doesn’t become a more “rounded” character. Perhaps this is because of his “strictly business” nature, or it’s because of (a more likely scenario) poor character development and his lack of personality. Sure, Phelps has his moments, but these moments don’t seem to be very honest. The other characters in the game are fine (for the most part), and represent the kinds of characters featured in most noir films and pulp novels: the crooked cop, the tough-as-nails chief of police, the femme fatale, etc. Too bad the most important character in the game was not written in a similar fashion, and is a mindless automaton instead.

Derp.

Flaw #2 – The game feels more like a parody than something that embraces the spirit of film noir.

While most of the storytelling and dialogue are good, there are some moments when I feel like I’m playing a noir spoof instead of an homage to one of the greatest, and most important, film genres (or style or movement, depending upon which asshole you’re asking) ever made. Examples:

• The mise-en-scène wasn’t used effectively to encapsulate character emotions or the central themes of the story, which is perhaps the most important aspect of film noir.
• Some of the dialogue, while Chandler-esque, is a bit out of place and is more fit for a Grand Theft Auto game.
• Some of the characters are more “noir” than “noir” – they act like people that are obsessed with noir tropes but have neither seen a noir film nor read a pulp novel.
• The cases are most certainly inspired by the pulps, but many of them serve as a distraction from the main plot and are merely filler.

"Who the fuck is Raymond Chandler? I want answers, dammit!"

Flaw #3 – The action sequences aren’t well done and take away from the game’s strengths.

I’m not saying that action shouldn’t be in L.A. Noire (it should), I’m just of the opinion that it could have been much better. Rockstar isn’t known for their great controls, but they have gotten better over the years (Bully, Grand Theft Auto IV, Red Dead Redemption). For whatever reason, though, the controls in L.A. Noire take awhile to get used to, and even then they can still be a burden. Cole Phelps, for example, moves stiffer than his personality, and all of the cars drive like they’re on roller skates. The shooting mechanics are all right, but trying to chase somebody down can be a righteous pain the ass (read: movie set stage), especially when shooting them is necessary.

Perhaps the most obnoxious, and unnecessary, action sequence in the game is when Phelps has to climb up the outside of a building in order to find a clue. If Phelps moved in a more fluid manner this wouldn’t be an issue, but instead Phelps needs to be directed very slowly up the building and even has to maintain his balance in some areas otherwise it’s back to square one.

If anything, the action in the game is essentially a frustrating obstacle one most overcome in order to get to the good stuff. Catherine is very similar to L.A. Noire in this respect but, unlike L.A. Noire, the gameplay is difficult for the right reasons as it’s addictive fun that doesn’t feature clunky controls.

Phelps inaction.

Flaw #4 – The final case is a huge letdown compared to the intense moments in earlier cases.

(Mild spoilers ahead): Questioning witnesses and perps is where L.A. Noire truly shines, even if Phelps’s reactions aren’t realistic at times. And, despite the awkward controls, some of the chase sequences and the more action-packed cases are pretty damn enjoyable. However, the final case takes all of the impressive moments found throughout the game and drops a smelly, corn-filled brick on them. One would think that the final case would involve a lot of difficult questioning and puzzles. Sadly, this doesn’t happen. Instead, we’re treated to a predictable, lackluster chase and final showdown. The game kind of makes up for that with an interesting epilogue, but it’s still not very satisfying. To the writers’ credit, however, they did stick with the common story elements that are prevalent in film noir and pulp novels.

Despite the flaws of the questioning system, it provides for some of the best moments in L.A. Noire.

Verdict

I’ll admit, the second flaw was a bit nit picky. However, if Rockstar truly was trying to breathe new life into noir, they missed the mark in some important areas. L.A. Noire isn’t a must-own title, and gamers aren’t going to get a true noir experience, but the positive aspects of L.A. Noire (art design, voice-acting, soundtrack, atmosphere, the recreation of 1940s Los Angeles) certainly make it worth checking out.  For a better noir experience, however, stick to the great films like Sunset Boulevard, Double Indemnity, Kiss Me Deadly and The Big Sleep. 6.5/10

My next post, which should be up this Sunday, will be about grading systems for reviewing games and why I’ve decided to implement one, at least for now. Now, here are some pin-up girls.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, The Girlfriend

Awesome people we talked to at Stumptown can be found below:

http://www.kingofrpgs.com/

http://www.stumptowncomics.com/

http://www.nightzero.com/

http://pigsquad.com/

http://starkcitylimits.com/

http://goinglast.net/

http://gullscomic.com/

http://www.pdxunderground.net/

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Wrex

Despite the confusing, muddled “ending”, and the other numerous flaws found in the series, I love Mass Effect. The diverse characters, the politics, the lore, a looming threat that nobody seems to know anything about, the art design, the music, the atmosphere – I’m a sap for all of this. I found the writing to be overrated, but it’s certainly better than most games out there. The voice acting is also superb, despite some of the cliché dialogue and forced emotional moments. Regardless, it’s still one of the best video game franchises to have come out in the past decade (top five, at least).

Femshep > Maleshep

The following is my (brief) take on each game in the Mass Effect trilogy. I won’t go into explicit detail on the game mechanics, story, etc. I’m just posting bullet points on what I feel are the best (and worst) aspects of each game. I’m concluding this piece with a small rant on the ending, and some pictures of sexy Mass Effect cosplayers (it’s what I do).

Mass Effect

• Great introduction to the world and lore.
• Solid exploration, despite the horrible Mako controls.
• RPG elements are all there: exploration, leveling-up, weapon/armor modification, side-quests, different classes to pick from, etc.
• Soundtrack is brilliant and brings the world (universe) to life.
• Story is good. Typical sci-fi, but it works.
• Nice cast of characters, though some can be annoying.
• Dialogue is a bit cliché at times.
• “Reveal” towards the end of the game is a bit awkward, and occurs during a time when the characters should be chasing after the antagonist and not faffing about (actually, shit like that happens a lot throughout the series).
• Combat is mediocre but sufficient; could have been better.
• Final stage and boss fight are excellent, not to mention satisfying. Good ending.

Mass Effect 2

• Nice graphical improvements.
• Game world feels more alive.
• Lots of characters give plenty of options for party formation.
• Dialogue is a little better this time around, but still not where it should be.
• Better story with more meaningful choices than first game.
• Combat is vastly improved, but is predictable with the abundance of chest-high walls.
• Removal of planet exploration and the simplified weapon/armor system make the game less of an RPG and were unnecessary.
• Scanning planets is boring as fuck.
• Sidequests are better.
• Better DLC than first game. “Lair of the Shadow Broker” is one of the best DLC missions I’ve played for any game.
• Music is still stellar.
• Having Shepard die and become “reborn” was just insipid and pointless.
• Romances are still a tad unbelievable.
• Final stage is good, but the boss is fairly bland. The ending is great, though.

Fuck this.

Mass Effect 3

• Combines the RPG elements of the first game and improves on the combat in the second game.
• Graphical updates make the game even more cinematic.
• Numerous decisions made in the first two games are reflected in the story, even with the DLC in Mass Effect 2.
• Romances are a bit better, but still feel lacking.
• Emotional moments are better but some still come out of nowhere and aren’t as poignant as they should be.
• Dialogue is still cheesy at times.
• Jessica Chobot. Gross.
• Cut down on the amount of squad mates, which provided for some better character development.
• All characters from previous games are featured, and all of them have some great moments.
• Planet scanning greatly reduced. Awesome.
• Awful ending. Doesn’t ruin the series, necessarily, but makes one less likely to play through the series again.

"The Lair of the Shadow Broker" is perhaps one of the best DLC missions I've ever played. The showdown with the Shadow Broker (seen above) truly pays off.

About the ending: it is truly bad. Now, most games have bad endings, or at least “meh” endings. However, because Mass Effect is so massive, and requires numerous hours and playthroughs to experience completely, the fact that the ending just happens and provides little closure is appalling. I actually liked the ending for thematic reasons; I understood what BioWare was going for. However, there is too much dialogue that is out of place, characters behave in ways that don’t make any sense, all three endings are essentially the same and there’s little to no closure. The worst part? All of the decisions made throughout the entire series only slightly effect the endings, and I mean slightly in the most pathetic way possible. An epilogue would have been nice, or at least glimpses of what the other characters did after Shepard’s final decision. I’m glad BioWare is going to attempt to remedy these issues with some free DLC this Summer, but that might be too little too late. That being said, the song that plays during the credits is fucking killer.

Mass Effect – 8.5/10

Mass Effect 2 – 9/10

Mass Effect 3 – 6.5/10*

*The low score (6.5 is still a playable game, and isn’t necessarily “bad”) is due to the lack of a good ending, or at least one that reflected all of the decisions that are made throughout the course of the series. If the ending was better, I’d give it 9/10 easily.

Not sure exactly what she's cosplaying, but I really don't care.

Miranda. A hot girl with daddy issues. I'll give her some "who's your daddy?" issues.

I'm Commander Shepard, and this my favorite picture on the Citadel.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad things)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, The Girlfriend, Tara!

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Tony from Bowtie Cat

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Sarah Machajewski

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, The Girlfriend

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Does the PlayStation Vita breathe new life into handheld gaming? Read on to find out.

The PlayStation Vita hasn’t been selling well in Japan, which has left me disappointed as I’ve been looking forward to it’s North American release. Sony’s excuse is that the launch lineup is geared for more of a “Western” audience, which might be the case. The launch titles and future releases (that have been announced, at least) seem to be tailored to fit the tastes of North American and European gamers (Uncharted, Resistance, Bioshock, Call of Duty, etc.). However, there are plenty of quirky Japanese titles and games made by smaller developers that will be appearing on the Vita in the near future, which is great for me since I have an odd taste in, well, everything. After picking up my Vita on launch day, I feel that I can safely say it has met my expectations.

Perhaps you could be as happy as Kazuo Hirai if you had a PlayStation Vita. No? Well, he's probably smiling about his paycheck anyway.

Hardware

The Vita is huge, and is almost like having a controller with a built-in 5” touchscreen in your hands. I say almost because a controller would be a lot more comfortable to hold than what is essentially an over-sized PSP. After using the Vita for a couple of hours I became accustomed the shape of the device and most of the discomfort has worn off; my hands get a little cramped after playing a game for an extended period of time. The analog sticks can also take some getting used to, which is primarily due to the fact they’re rounded on the top and provide less area for your thumbs.

The touchscreen is very responsive and gorgeous, but I would recommend investing in a screen protector as you’ll be running your greasy fingers over it a lot when navigating the Vita’s “LiveArea” interface and with some of the games (Uncharted: Golden Abyss, especially). What comes as a big surprise is how well the rear touchpad works. In the games that I’ve used the rear touchpad (Uncharted, Touch My Katamari), I was impressed with the results and found it to provide some added satisfaction with the gameplay.

The front and back VGA cameras (640×480, 0.3MP) are a nice touch, but I don’t think they’re completely necessary. Like the 3DS, the Vita comes with augmented reality games that put the camera to good use. I’ve found the concept of augmented reality gaming to be intriguing, but I have yet to see it actually applied well. I initially enjoyed the augmented reality games on the 3DS and Vita, but after an hours worth of gaming the thrill was gone.

Sony loves it Sixaxis technology, so of course the Vita comes equipped with it. The Vita’s Sixaxis motion sensing system works just like the Sixaxis controllers found on the PS3, so the concept shouldn’t be new to most gamers. I’ve never been a big fan of motion controlled gaming, but Sixaxis has never really bothered me. I mean, I think it’s rather pointless, but I don’t find it to be a nuisance.

In sum, while the Vita does utilize technology (motion control, touchscreen, etc.) that most core gamers find to be unnecessary, the concepts work rather well despite their gimmicky nature. Out of the games that I’ve played, the touchscreen, Sixaxis, and rear touchpad weren’t used that often and weren’t even required in some cases. When these “gimmicks” were used, however, I thought they worked fairly well and didn’t interfere with my overall gaming experience.

The rear touchpad isn't actually shitty.

Wi-Fi Only Model vs. 3G/Wi-Fi Model

The concept of a handheld gaming system that contains cellphone-like qualities isn’t a new concept (remember the Nokia N-Gage?), and it should come to no surprise that Sony is taking advantage of the advancements in cellphone technology. Granted, the Vita can’t make phone calls, but the 3G model allows for the use of apps and messaging services similar to what one would find on a modern smartphone. I can understand why people would be interested in this concept, but again this is another Vita feature that is relatively useless. Smartphones are the hot seller these days, and the number of people that own one is increasing every year. It can even be argued that handheld systems are going the way of Jack Thompson’s career, and that smartphones and tablets are the future of mobile gaming. It’s because of these reasons that I would recommend the Wi-Fi-only Vita as apposed to the 3G/Wi-Fi version, unless you can get a hold of the 3G/Wi-Fi launch bundle which is (sort of) a pretty good deal. I guess the only good aspect of the 3G model is that subscribing to one of AT&T’s DataConnect plans ($15 250MB, $30 3GB, $50 5GB) is completely optional, and there are no contracts so you can stop and start the service whenever you want.

The process of getting an AT&T DataConnect plan is fairly simple, and it can be canceled at anytime, but I'm not sure if it's worth it.

Battery Life

Battery life is perhaps the most important aspect of handheld gaming, and sadly the Vita’s battery life is fairly mediocre. This really shouldn’t shock anyone, though, as the Vita is almost like a handheld PS3. Anyway, the battery lasts around the same amount of time as the 3DS’s battery: 3-5 hours depending on what you’re doing. The way I view it, 3-5 hours is pretty good. When I’m faffing about and want to play a game while I’m waiting for something (the train, a meeting, a blowjob) I’m not going to spend hours and hours playing a game like I do at home. However, the Vita’s short battery life makes it terrible for long flights and road trips unless you can found an outlet somewhere to charge the system. I’ve heard rumors that an extended battery pack will be coming out for the Vita, but I’m not getting my hopes up.

The Vita's PlayStation Store is ready to take your money.

Digital Distribution

This is where the PlayStation Vita is the most strong, unless you have a lot of PSP UMDs (Protip: Keep your PSP). Not only is it possible to purchase digital Vita games for less than a physical copy, but the smaller titles found in the “minis” section of the PlayStation Store are what handheld gaming is all about. I’m sure Sony will be expanding the Vita’s PlayStation Store at some point, as well. The only drawback to just buying digital Vita games, though, is that one will have to throw down a decent amount of scratch to get a respectable memory card. Because I prefer physical over digital in most cases, I’ll be purchasing the major Vita titles that I’m interested in at a store and leaving my memory card storage for whatever awesome indie titles and (hopefully) PSOne titles make their way on to the system.

Uncharted: Golden Abyss is probably the prettiest handheld game ever made, and is one of the best excuses to purchase a Vita.

Launch Lineup

The Vita’s launch library is quite large, mainly due to the fact some games were released a week prior to the official February 22^nd 2012 release date because of the “early adopter” limited edition bundle pack Sony released on February 15^th. Most launch libraries are fairly unremarkable, and feature only one or two solid titles. The Vita boasts a decent offering of launch titles, though many are ports of console games, and a couple are over-priced “enhanced” games original offered on iOS devices for .99 cents (Dungeon Hunter: Alliance and Asphalt Injection).

Below is a list of games currently available for the Vita. I haven’t most of these titles, but I’ve placed an “*” next to the games that I recommend.

Rayman Origins*

ModNation Racers: Road Trip

Little Deviants

Michael Jackson: The Experience

F1 2011

Virtua Tennis 4: World Tour Edition

Uncharted: Golden Abyss*

Wipeout 2048

Shinobido 2: Tales of the Ninja

Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3*

Hustle Kings

Ninja Gaiden Sigma Plus*

Touch My Katamari*

FIFA Football

Dungeon Hunter: Alliance

Army Corps of Hell

BlazBlue: Continuum Shift Extend

Everybody’s Golf 6

Dynasty Warriors Next

Escape Plan

Super Stardust Delta*

Lumines Electronic Symphony*

Asphalt Injection

Tales from Space: Mutant Blobs Attack

Plants vs. Zombies*

The lineup is fairly eclectic, but I’m sure most core gamers won’t be very impressed. Fortunately, though, games like Little Big Planet, Silent Hill: Book of Memories, Street Fighter X Tekken, Ys IV, Disgaea 3: Absence of Detention, Resistance: Burning Skies, Persona 4: The Golden and an untitled Hideo Kojima game are on the horizon for the Vita this year.

Verdict – Buy It

The PlayStation Vita could be the last great handheld system to ever be released. It’s becoming more evident every year that the future of handheld gaming is with smartphones and tablet computers. The Vita is a solid system and shows a lot of promise despite it’s gimmicks, and I don’t think most people will regret purchasing the system. However, while I was initially pleased with the Vita’s pricing, I honestly think it could use a price drop at some point this year. Acquiring more third-party developers and titles that aren’t ports wouldn’t hurt, either. Thankfully, with the potentially great exclusive titles coming out soon and spiffy online marketplace, the Vita’s future is looking pretty bright.

Playboy Cyber Girl Jo Garcia wants you to buy a Vita. So, whaddya say... stud?

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Am I insane enough to actually defend Final Fantasy XIII, one of the most reviled Final Fantasy games of all time? That’s a definite maybe.

Ah, Final Fantasy XIII. Just mentioning this game around most gamers, especially JRPG fans, will cause them to suddenly acquire Tourette syndrome and go on a verbal tirade just before their heads explode. As a fan of JRPGs and the Final Fantasy series, I can understand why there is so much nerd-rage fueled hatred towards Final Fantasy XIII. However, I actually kinda enjoyed the game and feel like I should give it some much needed love that RPGers (at least here in the West) won’t give it. Before I do that, though, let’s take a look at what the critics said about FFXIII upon it’s release and compare that to what the gamers had to say. Trust me, this will be great fun.

Oh, I should probably note that the only differences between the Xbox 360 and PS3 ports are the amount of discs and the graphics. I played FFXIII on my PS3; one disc, better visuals.

FFXIII's cast. From left to right: Sazh, Snow, Hope, Lightning, Fang, Venille.

Here are some choice user reviews for the PS3 version of FFXIII found on MetaCritic:

User: Breck Score: 0/10

“Quite possible the worst final fantasy in the entire series. It shouldn’t even be considered a true final fantasy. Nothing about this game is good, I returned it. Something that took 2 years to make, was delayed for ps3 for another 2 years and downgraded so they could put it onto 360. Pathetic. Besides that, graphics still are bad with ps2 style environments. Annoying characters, and the same damn plot you’ve heard 100 times. Unless your a 6 year old girl, avoid at all costs.”

I think six-year-old girls should avoid you at all costs. Oh, and I’d love to see this game run on a PS2. You’ve got to be kidding me, dude.

User: JD Score: 5/10

“Worst Final Fantasy ever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a fanboy for sure, but this has got to be the worst in the series. First, it isn’t a “game” per se, since you can get through the whole game mostly using “x” and a few directional keys. Second, the RPG element has been removed. It is hard to believe that Final Fantasy has been dumbed down to pretty graphics and awful, boringgameplay. This is basically a game for the attention deficit disordered millenial generation, and I’m afraid for the future.”

I’d really like to know how you beat those bosses, especially the Eidolons, just by pressing the “X” button. Hell, just pressing the “X” button won’t get you through most of the normal battles. The RPG element has been removed from it? So, leveling-up, upgrading weapons/accessories, character classes and casting spells aren’t RPG elements? That’s right, I’m mistaken – those are rhythm-game elements.

User: MrZ Score: 3/10

“Attention gamers! Want to win your battles by outmatching and outwitting your enemies? No need! Just select ‘Libra’, mash ‘auto-battle’ and watch the pretty colours fly. Want any sort of say in the powers of your characters? Forget it! Hold down X and the thinking is done for you. Want hours of entertainment exploring a fantastical, otherworldly universe? Ever considered holding the left joystick in the ‘up’ position for hours on end instead? If you fancy doing nothing for ages and paying a few hours of wages for the privelege, then FFXIII is you. By a bored and previously avid FF fan. Apparently it gets better around the 25 hour mark. Usually the reward for 25 hours of play is something other than relief of boredom. As someone who got into gaming mainly because of FFVIII, I am in disbelief. Looks nice, though. Then again, so do flowers and fairies and lots of other boring crap.”

Wait, wait, wait. Final Fantasy VIII was what got you interested in gaming? You mean the Final Fantasy game where you just “hold down the ‘X’ button and the thinking is done for you”? The Final Fantasy game with the horrible load times, annoying characters, convoluted plot and easily broken battle system that makes the game a breeze? No, sir – FFXIII is you.

Here are some quotes from professional critics that gave FFXIII obnoxiously high scores:

GamesRadar

Author: Carolyn Gudmundson Score: 10/10

“The streamlined, focused structure eliminates potential tedium without dumbing anything down, and the battle system strikes an elegant balance between strategy and fast-paced action. Stunningly beautiful graphics and a pervasively meticulous level of polish throughout only add to the experience.”

I’m with you on the great battle system and gorgeous graphics, but “streamlining” the game and removing JRPG tropes ironically lead to a lot of tedium; trudging through monster-filled hallways just to get to the next cut-scene for 25 hours gets is certainly monotonous.

Game Informer

Author: Joe Juba Score: 9.25/10

“ […] Final Fantasy XIII is a phenomenal RPG destined to be remembered as a technical milestone for the series.”

It certainly is the best-looking Final Fantasy game, but “phenomenal” is hardly the word I’d use to describe FFXIII.

1Up

Author: Jeremy Parish Score: A-

“Like Mass Effect 2, FFXIII seems to be an attempt to answer the question of how to create an RPG for the modern, console-owning masses. Square Enix’s solution is certainly different than BioWare’s, but it’s arguably just as effective in its own way.”

If by “effective” you mean turning off most console gamers and only appealing to it’s core audience (barely), then yes FFXIII certainly was “effective.” Mass Effect 2 merges RPG and shooter elements beautifully, providing gamers with a huge game that doesn’t feel too much like an interactive movie, which is all FFXIII is for the first 25 hours.

After 25-30 hours of linearity, FFXIII really opens up in the huge world of Gran Pulse.

I’ll admit, I was being completely unfair here. The vast majority of user reviews for FFXIII (Xbox 360 and PS3 versions) are very positive, and there are a decent amount of critics that gave FFXIII more rational reviews. However, Destructoid’s Jim Sterling was the only reviewer featured on MetaCritic that completely trashed the game, giving it a 4/10. However, when you check out the user reviews and sort them by “most helpful”, the top reviews (the same ones I quoted) are negative. Furthermore, just go to any website that has articles or videos on FFXIII and you’ll find that most of the comments are from gamers that just fucking despise the game.

I understand the game’s flaws: linearity; no backtracking; muddled narrative; no towns; useless summoning magic; forgettable music that only provides atmosphere; and character actions/emotions that don’t really make sense in certain scenes. However, while the linear levels throughout the first 25 hours of the game can feel like a chore, the outstanding combat, great character development and jaw-dropping visuals provide a huge incentive to reach the point where the game really opens up and finish the storyline. Sure, there are a couple of characters that I find annoying early on (Hope and Venille), but all of the characters become interesting as the game’s story progresses. The story didn’t really bother me, either. I expect my JRPG stories to be ridiculous and unbelievable; that’s part of the reason why I enjoy them so much. Oh, and FFXIII is probably the best Final Fantasy game to be released since FFIX (I have yet to play FFXII). Yes, FFIX, not FFX. Seriously, fuck Tidus.

Chocobos will always remain one of the best aspects of the Final Fantasy franchise.

FFXIII did very well in Japan, and it appears that it’s mostly North American and European gamers that complain about the game. Don’t believe me? Well, not only did the Japanese gaming magazines Famitsu and Dengeki give FFXIII high praises, but a reader poll on Dengeki’s website called FFXIII the second best game of 2009, and another reader poll on Famitsu named FFXIII the best game ever (though Famitsu might not be trustworthy). Furthermore, FFXIII sold over 1 million units when it was released in Japan, and is the fastest selling Final Fantasy game to date.

Fang doing what she does in FFXIII's solid battle system.

Square has always tried to make Final Fantasy a different experience with every new title. Sometimes these changes work, sometimes they miss the mark. Obviously, FFXIII missed the mark in many ways, and certainly isn’t worthy of near-perfect review scores, but it is by no means a horrible game. I’m not a fan of “grading” games, but if I was I would probably give this game a 7/10. Sure, FFXIII is no FFVI or FFVII, and it will only appeal to it’s niche audience, but it’s definitely playable and can be downright enjoyable if you’re just patient. If you wind up hating it, though, I can understand.

Lightning and Fang cosplayers. I like where this is going. You're welcome.

- Just Listen by Sarah Dessen
- DreamLand by Sarah Dessen
- Of all the stupid things by Alexandra Diaz

Answer:

Let’s start by taking a look at your suggested literature:

Just Listen is about Annabel, a pretty girl that loses her best friend—the popular and exciting Sophie. Annebel suddenly finds herself isolated and friendless until she meets a loner who’s passionate about music named Owen. With Owen, Annabel finds new music and a new courage to speak out.

DreamLand is about a 16-year-old girl named Caitlin. After her older sister runs away, Caitlin decides that she needs to make a major change in her own life and begins an abusive relationship with a boy who is mysterious, gorgeous, brilliant, and dangerous.

Of All The Stupid Things follows a group of best friends as their relationships begin to change. Instead of gaining strength from her friends, one girl seeks comfort in Riley, the new girl in town. Before long, she develops feelings for Riley that both shock and excite her.

Fuck that. All of those books sound incredibly boring. I get that women are strong. Girl power, blah, blah, blah. But a strong woman reads something to challenge her mind, learn a new skill, or push the mold of conventional norms.

Like something with zombies in it.

You should read Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter. It’s a great historical fiction novel by Seth Grahame-Smith known for Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. It follows through the true life of our 16th President, but peppers in the “hidden story” of his passion to hunt down those wretched undead creatures. Includes a literary cameo of Mr. Edgar Allen Poe as he attempts to get in on the hemoglobin brotherhood. A book well worth reading for the informative and the absurdity of it.

Also, it’s fucking called ABRAHAM LINCOLN VAMPIRE HUNTER!

Or, if you are feeling a bit more feminine, try Confessions of A Part-Time Sorceress by Shelly Mazzanoble. Shelly takes you through a girly-girl fashionista’s first-time experience with playing the classic RPG Dungeons & Dragons. I was given a copy as my first ever Chanukah present. A friend knew that I was inexperienced at RPing and looking to gain some knowledge. I read it that night and I found that I had a hard time putting it down.

Whether you’re experienced or not, you’ll  learn something new. There are recipes for offerings to the great DM (like Magic Missile Meatballs & Initiative Rolls) along with tips on how to pick your gear, or how to introduce it to even the most repulsed potential players.

“Confessions”  is a fun read for anyone that enjoys role playing games.

Try these and then let me know when you need some more suggestions.               ~ The Girlfriend

Q: Do nudists get turned on by seeing the other naked people? Is it acceptable?  – Anonymous

Answer:

Instantly, I am reminded of an episode of Seinfeld in which Jerry’s girlfriend starts spending large amounts of time in the nude.

Jerry's girlfriend needs to learn that living day-to-day in the nude is not sexy.

At first, the group discussion is that this is an amazing reward for Jerry. But he quickly realizes that reading the paper, vacuuming, and even trimming toenails are not the most attractive … “positions” to see your girlfriend in.

A plan is hatched to give her a taste of her own medicine. Jerry starts prancing about in the buff while “jiggling” as much as possible. In the end everyone puts their clothes on again only to find they can’t stop thinking about each other in the nude.

Jerry discovers that a girlfriend naked 24/7 is not necessarily a good thing.

Unfortunately for Jerry, she can only see a hairy monkey scratching and using a belt sander to refinish the floor.

So, to keep it direct, I say: No, no one wants to see that shit. Put some clothes on and just get naked in the dark when you’re positive your partner has taken out their contacts.

~ The Girlfriend

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Mikey from Chronicles of the Nerds!

In the current episode of our podcast, we discuss the rumor that the next Xbox will ban used games and further discuss the used vs. new debate. I feel like I didn’t present a good argument on the show, mainly because I just wasn’t prepared to discuss the topic, and that I really should explore the used vs. new debate in a column. So, here we go.

Say it isn't so, Microsoft!

In the current episode of the A Jumps B Shoots podcast, guest Brad Gallaway from gamecritics.com makes the excellent point that many gamers don’t seem to understand that actual work goes into developing a game, and that developers are real, talented people that need money to put food on their tables; Santa doesn’t make these games magically appear in December. For the most part, I agree with him. A lot of time, money and energy is spent making games and the developers and publishers deserve to make money on them. Furthermore, making a profit is not a “bad” or “evil” thing – that’s the point of running a business. However, and Gallaway echoes this sentiment, developers need to put out games that are complete. Here’s what I mean by “complete”: Little to no bugs and no content that’s locked into the disc that requires the gamer to spend money in order to access it. More importantly, developers should create games that are worth spending $60 on. Of course, whether a game is worth the new price tag is subjective, but any gamer that has taste knows that a huge portion of games that are released every year are not “Day One” purchases.

I want to make it clear that I’m not saying everyone should only buy new games. I am very much pro-used games, and I think that consumers should have the choice between buying new or used. Gamers need to be more selective in what games they purchase new, and what games they would rather wait to purchase when the used value drops. Of course, the value of new games drops rather quickly after a game has been launched, so waiting for the new price to become more reasonable would be even better.

GameStop customer service in action.

I’ve always felt that in order for the game industry, and especially the video game retail industry, to stay afloat, the used market has to be thriving as well. I’ll agree that the used market is a concern for the industry, but it’s not as bad as they’re making it out to be. The industry needs to realize that used games were originally new games, and that people that trade in games normally spend that money on purchasing a brand new title that they’ve been looking forward to playing.

The actions the game industry has taken to stifle used game sales have been ludicrous. Online passes, registration codes, “Day One DLC” and requiring gamers to create separate accounts just enjoy doing something that’s supposed to be “entertainment” is not helping anything. Jim Sterling recently responded to a Volition, Inc. developer’s statements that a console that “banned” used games “would be a fantastic change for their business” and that the industry could implement programs that would allow gamers to “lend” games to their friends via a system similar to Amazon’s “Lending Library” since they wouldn’t be able to share games with their friends the old fashioned way. Sterling notes that, “If this industry dies, it won’t be due to piracy, nor will it be to used games. Just ask the businesses that started to fail, pissed off their customers trying to fix themselves, and then died overnight. Oh wait, you can’t, because they’re dead. THAT’s what will kill this industry, if it falls. Not GameStop, and certainly not you or I.” And he concludes by saying, “It’s when I hear these ‘solutions’ to combating used games by making life tougher for every consumer, that I start to worry about this industry’s doom.” Well said, Mr. Sterling.

Truth.

Gaming is a major part of my life, and it’s my favorite hobby. I honestly want to see the industry thrive, but currently the industry is faltering. It’s true that the gaming industry is making more money than they have in the past, but their sales have been dwindling over the past few years. Only major, AAA titles seem to be keeping the industry from completely crashing, and that’s not a good thing. I don’t think the industry will ever collapse, but it will continue to go through rough times. It’s their own fault, really. They’ve “programmed” gamers to wait for “complete” editions of games to be released that are cheaper and feature all of the DLC, to think that $60 is a “reasonable” price for a new game and that new games that are less than that are “budget” titles that aren’t worth purchasing and that requiring gamers to sign up for an account to play a game is necessary and actually benefits the gamer.

If the industry is honestly concerned about used game sales effecting their bottom line than the answer is simple: lower the fucking price of new games and stop spending so much damn money on creating games. There is absolutely no need to spend $200 million in order to produce a game, even if the game winds up being outstanding. Yes, gorgeous graphics “sell” but so does stellar gameplay. I mean, one of the highest grossing games in the past few years is fucking Angry Birds. Big-budget HD visuals, 3D, particle effects, cinematic lighting, high-powered physics engines and motion blur technology don’t automatically make a game great or guarantee massive sales. Seriously, just cut the bullshit and everyone wins.

As an apology for my cynical rant, here’s a picture of Christina Hendricks:

Christina makes everything better.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Is the remastered Final Fantasy: 20th Anniversary Edition on the PSP worth a JRPGer’s time? That’s a definite maybe.

Available On: Nintendo Entertainment System, MSX2, WonderSwan Color, PlayStation, Game Boy Advance, PlayStation Portable,Virtual Console, PlayStation Network, iOS

Original Release Date: December 17, 1987 (Japan), July 12, 1990 (USA)

System Played On: Playstation Portable

Version Release Date: 2007

I can remember first playing Final Fantasy for the NES in 1991. I practically begged my parents to buy it for me as a birthday present the previous Summer, and again that Christmas. Sadly, I didn’t get the chance to restore the four crystals during that fated year of 1990. Instead, I was treated to a lovely LJN title called Back to the Future Part II & III. Apparently the non-stop cursing and controller chucking that occurred when I played the first Back to the Future (also made by LJN) were hints that I desperately needed the sequel to that bullshit game.

Anyway, during the Summer of 1991 I spent a lot of time over at a friend’s house playing Final Fantasy. He was my only friend that enjoyed RPGs, and both of us had logged in numerous hours playing Wizardry, the Dragon Warrior series (our favorites, at the time) and both Zelda games that were on the NES. Final Fantasy quickly become our new favorite game, and we took it very seriously. We had created our own maps, bestiary and had devised numerous boss strategies depending on what classes our party consisted of. It was perhaps because of these moments in my gaming history that the Final Fantasy series will always remain one of my favorites, and why Final Fantasy: 20th Anniversary Edition on the PSP brought back so many fond memories.

A fancy CGI introduction starts things off.

Gameplay

The basic gameplay found in Final Fantasy is what one will find in virtually every other Final Fantasy game: a world map, a menu screen used to outfit party members and a battle screen filled with commands. The NES Final Fantasy was a bit slow and clunky, and some of the battles took much too long to finish, or at least felt that way. This isn’t the case with the PSP version (or GBA version, for that matter), as SquareEnix did a fine job with speeding up the gameplay and making the various menu screens much easier to use.

As in the NES Final Fantasy, players choose what jobs (Warrior, Thief, Black Belt, White Mage, Black Mage, Red Mage) the four Warriors of Light will be at the beginning of the game. I’ve always loved this aspect of the first Final Fantasy, as it allows the gamer to make the game more challenging by choosing a party made up of the weaker jobs. For example, I once tried to beat the game with all White Mages. I would go into the details but … well, it was a traumatic experience for everyone involved. Anyway, this version of the game is a tad easier than the original, but the five bonus dungeons (which change upon every visit) certainly make up for that and can provide for a more satisfying game experience, especially for completionists.

The Warriors of Light take on Garland, the first boss in Final Fantasy.

Writing

The plot to Final Fantasy is fairly simple, not to mention generic. Essentially, there are four elemental (earth, fire, water, wind) crystals (“orbs” in the American NES release) that need to be restored in order to save the world. These crystals have been going “dark” for a couple of centuries, and a prophet named Lukahn predicts the coming of four Warriors of Light who will restore the crystals power and defeat the evil that is spreading across the land. There really isn’t much else to the story, except for the “twist” at the end which is more hokey than clever.

The game’s dialogue is just as boring as the story. The Warriors of Light are silent heroes, and the NPCs offer up some very cryptic dialogue. Ever so often there will be an NPC that says something amusing, and there is always at least one NPC in each town that will guide the Warriors in the right direction, but other than that most of them aren’t worth talking to.

Sadly, this is as good the dialogue gets.

Controls

Only a few buttons are used for the game, and they all do what they’re supposed to do. The addition of the “L” and “R” buttons to navigate through menu screens is a nice touch, and can make things go a little bit faster. Furthermore, players can customize the controls in the menu to fit their needs. Other than that, the controls are practically the same as the original.

The world map is a vast improvement compared to the original game.

Sound

Perhaps the most dated aspect of the original Final Fantasy is the music. I’ve gone back and played the 8-bit classic a couple of times in the recent past, and I’ve found myself either turning the sound way down or completely off. Yes, I know, Uematsu composed the soundtrack, but the music that plays in most of the castles and villages is just horrific. Thankfully, the PSP version borrowed the remixed soundtrack found in the GBA Final Fantasy remake.

Visuals

SquareEnix beefed up the graphics for the PSP remake, even more so than the GBA port. The higher resolution, CGI cinematics and the inclusion of aerial effects found in the game’s villages are a nice treat. The spells cast during battle look vibrant and powerful, and the weapons look big and shiny. The character sprites are much improved, as well, and the monsters look even better. The visuals are definitely one of the game’s strong points.

1987

2007

Buy it. Try it. Forget it.

Try it, if you’re a fan of the genre. If not, forget it. The “modernized” version available on the PSP doesn’t add anything new to the story, but it does provide the gamer with new dungeons to explore, a faster and prettier combat system and much improved music. These changes don’t take away from the game’s original “charm”, and actually provide for a much better experience. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that the original 8-bit Final Fantasy game still holds up today – it doesn’t. In fact, Final Fantasy on the NES is liable to put someone in a coma due to how slow it is. Sure, it is a solid piece of gaming history, and any vintage game collector worth damn has a copy, but only the most die-hard of Final Fantasy and JRPG fans (which includes myself) will find it worth revisiting. Trust me, the PSP and GBA remastered versions provide a much better way to enjoy the original Final Fantasy.

A White Mage and a Red Mage can make for a sexy combo.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Doxy (yes, Doxy)

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone and Ceres

Is Star Wars: The Old Republic the next great MMORPG to hit store shelves and live up to the hype? Read on to find out.

I’ve been spending a lot of time playing MMORPGs lately. I’ve always been interested in the genre, and have played numerous MMORPGs throughout the years. However, I’ve yet to find one that I can truly get invested in. The closest I’ve come to finding the perfect MMORPG that appealed to my gaming tastes was World of Warcraft, and it remains one of my all-time-favorite MMORPGs to date. Despite this, I still couldn’t truly get into the game. Part of this is due to the fact that I have “alt-syndrome” or “alt-itus”; I make a character I think I’ll enjoy playing for months on end, only to change my mind a week or so later and create another character. The best times I’ve had playing World of Warcraft were when I was playing the game with real life friends in a guild one of us started, which made it easier for me to really get into the character that I was playing and learn how to play the character more effectively. Grouping was also a lot easier, especially since most of us were around the same level. However, I would wind up rage-quitting the game because my friends insisted on playing in WoW’s PvP servers. I don’t have anything against PvP in general, but getting ganked by max-level characters repeatedly while trying to quest in the higher populated zones (I’m looking at you, Stranglethorn Vale) is not my idea of fun.

Perhaps the biggest reason I initially stopped playing WoW a few years ago was because of it’s fanboys. I’ve never seen a group of people bitch so much about a game they play constantly. The general chat in WoW is full of people whining about recent changes Blizzard made to their favorite class, or gripes about the latest expansion. Hypocritically, whenever a new, hyped-up MMORPG gets announced/released the WoW faithful love nothing more than to trash the new game, it’s fanbase and gloat about how WoW is the best MMORPG ever and will never go free-to-play. Star Wars: The Old Republic is the latest MMORPG to receive nerd-rage filled insults from the WoW community, and that is all the more reason to play it.

Blasters rock

I pre-ordered a digital copy of SWTOR in early December of last year, and was fortunate enough to be able to start playing the game four days before the official release date (December 20^th). I created my account, downloaded, installed and launched the game. My immediate reaction to the opening cinematic was the same as my reaction when I first saw the teaser trailer EA and BioWare showed off at E3 last year:“Why the fuck weren’t the prequels like this?!” It’s sad to think that a five minute trailer could be more satisfying than three two hour long films. Anyway, I chose my server (a PvE server, I’ll try PvP later) and created my first character – a human female Smuggler. Smuggler’s are the Han Solo class and rely on blasters, stealth, explosives, wit and sexual charisma to survive. While Smuggler’s are aligned with the Republic, they tend to do whatever the fuck they want and are more than willing to bend the rules as long as it’s for the greater good and there’s a large paycheck involved.

The four classes of the Sith Empire

There are eight different classes to choose from in SWTOR (four Republic, four Empire), and each one has their own story that’s broken up into three acts and a prologue. The classes don’t start out in the same areas, either. The classes that have force abilities start out on different planets than the non-force using classes. For example, Republic Smuggler’s and Commando’s start on the planet Ord Mantell, which is currently in the midst of a civil war between the Republic and Republic separatists. Meanwhile, Jedi Knight’s and Consular’s start on the planet Tython, where they are currently rebuilding the Jedi Temple after the Empire’s sacking of Coruscant, which destroyed the original Jedi Temple.

The four classes of the Republic

The game’s narrative is told through cut-scene conversations complete with voice-acting and conversation trees that give the player a choice in how they respond to what NPCs are telling them, just like in Mass Effect and other BioWare titles. These choices not only have an effect on the outcome of certain missions, but they also effect the character’s Light Side and Dark Side levels. Throughout the course of the game, the character gains points in either Dark Side or Light Side depending on the player’s choices in how to complete some missions. These points translate into either Dark Side levels or Light Side levels, which in turn translate into access to better gear. It is not possible to gain levels in both alignments; one must chose one path or the other.

A typical mission conversation in Star Wars: The Old Republic

Leveling in SWTOR consists mainly of doing missions, exploration, crafting and killing enemies. PvP is also available, but since I’m on a PvE server I haven’t experienced the world PvP yet, and I’ve been too busy with all of the other treats SWTOR offers to try out the PvP battle arenas. The battle system is similar to WoW, and consists of different task bars that are used to access the character’s skills and can provide easy access to inventory items such as stims that provide large boosts to character attributes. SWTOR’s command keys are almost exactly like WoW’s (“c” opens the character menu, “tab” switches between targets, etc), and the user-interface is also similar. One major difference, however, is inventory expansions. In WoW, players have to buy new bags in order to increase the size of their inventory. This is not the case in SWTOR, as the player can just use their credits to expand their inventory right in the menu.

The galaxy map for Star Wars: The Old Republic

Every class in the game acquires a space ship around level 16, after they have finished their prologue story missions. The ship acts not only as a way to travel between planets and space stations, but it also provides extra storage (which can also be expanded), access to space battles (I’ll get to those shortly) and houses your character’s companions. Every class meets new people during their story campaign that become crew members for their ship and battle partners. Only one can be activated at time, but they all do something different that benefits your character in battle such as healing and tanking. Companions also get there own armor, weapons, have their own story missions and some of them can have a romantic relationship with your character. No BioWare game would be complete without alien sex.

Races of the Old Republic

The space battles in SWTOR are a nice break from the melee combat. The battles are on rails, but you can move your ship around to dodge other ships and asteroids. BioWare has taken a lot of heat for the space combat, but I rather enjoy it. There aren’t that many space missions available currently, and most of them involve doing the same thing. These missions do become more difficult, and require you to give your ship more upgrades, but they reward you with some excellent experience points and some nifty items.

A typical space combat mission featured in Star Wars: The Old Republic

I’ve only created three character’s thus far in my SWTOR career: My Smuggler Exendria and an Imperial Bounty Hunter named Loboh, both of whom are on a PvE server, and a Sith Warrior that I named Exender who is on a PvP server (only level 3). Exendria is level 28, and is currently kicking sand on the planet Tatooine. Loboh is just level 7, but so far I’m enjoying the Bounty Hunter’s story more than the Smuggler’s. Furthermore, I think I may actually prefer the Sith Empire over the Republic – the character’s seem to be more interesting and their stories more compelling. I haven’t decided on a main character as of yet (alt-syndrome strikes again), but I after get most of the classes to level 20 or so I’ll probably have a good idea as to which character’s ass I want to stare at the longest.

The combat is solid, but could use some tweaking.

So far, I’m loving what I’m seeing and I hope it keeps getting better. The game has great music, smooth graphics, great voice-acting (including Nolan North, for you Assassin’s Creed and Uncharted fans), interesting stories and spiffy battle mechanics (though they can get weird at times). If you’re an MMORPG fan, especially one that is bored with WoW, definitely give this game a shot.

Star Wars brings people together.

Bastion

With it’s attention to story, roguelike gameplay and music, Bastion provides a truly unique experience in gaming. Everything about this game just fits: the gameplay drives the narrative; the narrative drives the gameplay; the music drives everything. Bastion’s narrator, who sounds like he spends most of his time chain-smoking and drinking whiskey, is the best part of the game; you’ll find yourself experimenting with everything the game offers just to see what he has to say next. The soundtrack is also outstanding (one of the years best), and I recommend that if you purchase the game on Steam you should shell out the extra cash to purchase it along with the game. Bastion is also available on XBLA and Google Chrome via the Chrome Web Store.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

The original Deus Ex is one of my all-time-favorite video games, and I think it still holds up well by today’s standards. Deus Ex: Human Revolution retains everything that’s great about the original but adds in modern gameplay elements (not to mention graphics), for better or for worse. I had a great time with DE:HR despite some of it’s flaws, and it’s a game that I plan on revisiting. I think why I love DE:HR so much is the gameplay choices, and the game’s fun, albeit predictable, storyline. Plus, randomly punching people on the street has never been so hilarious.

Bulletstorm

Definitely the most fun I’ve had playing a shooter in awhile. Bulletstorm was a sleeper, but it was moderately well received by critics. However, it was smacked down by a lot of gamers, particularly the FPS die-hards. What makes Bulletstorm shine is the fact that it’s not like Call of Duty or Battlefield. Using an electric whip to toss enemies around into hazardous areas (spikes, pits, man-eating plants, etc.) or to get a battle angle at shooting their balls off is fucking genius. Oh, and the crude dialogue and ridiculous plot? The game was written by Rick Remender, who’s not only an awesome comic book writer (Punisher, Venom, Uncanny X-Force), but an all-around bad-ass. This game will kill your dick. Best shooter of the year, mother fuckers.

Catherine

Like Bastion, Catherine is also one of the more unique games to be released in 2011. The mixture of puzzles and conversation-driven, love-sim gameplay blend together well and the animation provided by STUDIO4°C (Animatrix, Halo Legends, Batman: Gotham Knight) works great with the games odd storyline. The puzzle sections of the game can be a tad too difficult at times, but the story sequences that take place in between the brick climbing/moving action are a great reward. I’m also a sucker for games with multiple endings, and all eight of Catherine’s are highly entertaining.

Saints Row: The Third

If you didn’t read my review of this game, you really should. Go on. I can wait. Done? Good. Now, allow me to further discuss how much I love this game. As I mentioned in my review, I went into the game thinking I was going to hate the game. In fact, I should probably hate this game. I just can’t, though. It’s so much fucking fun. I still haven’t finished the game, mainly because I’ve been having way too much with the game’s activities, gaining levels, buying new perks, collecting cars and just causing mad chaos around Steelport. Volition really hit the mark with this game, I’m hoping Saints Row 4 is even more insane.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, The Girlfriend

Does the aging online Final Fantasy game hold up to today’s MMORPG standards, or does bite the big Moogle? Read on to find out.

Available On: Windows PC, Playstation 2, Xbox 360

Release Dates: May, 16 2002 (PS2 Japan), November, 2 2002 (PC Japan), October, 28 2003 (PC North America), March, 23 2004 (PS2 North America), April, 18 2006 (Xbox 360 North America, Japan)

System Played On: Windows PC

Before World of Warcraft was released, the hottest MMORPG was EverQuest. Naturally, game developers were chomping at the bit to create their own MMORPG due to the genre’s rising popularity. So, naturally, Square Enix (then known as Squaresoft) decided to jump on the bandwagon and move their wildly popular Final Fantasy franchise into the online world. Final Fantasy XI was fairly well reviewed for both PC and PS2, and the hardcore Final Fantasy fans and MMORPG players loved the complexities and time-consuming challenges of the gameplay. One of the things FFXI had going for it was the numerous classes (called “jobs”) available in the game, any of which can be paired with a main job thus giving the player more abilities. FFXI was also massive, and anything you wanted to accomplish you had to work to get. Leveling took very long, and consisted mainly of grouping and killing enemies that gave out paltry sums of experience points; it could take a year or longer to actually build-up a character to level 75 (the max level at the time) and experience all of the end-game content. This was great for hardcore gamers, and it even suckered in the more casual crowd who became addicted to FFXI’s content. For the rest of us, as with EverQuest, FFXI was a major turn-off.

When Square Enix released the fourth expansion pack for FFXI, “Wings of the Goddess”, in 2008 things started to change. Square Enix decided to make the game more appealing to casual fans by making the game easier. It was just gradual changes at first, but because of updates to the game earlier this year FFXI is now one of the easiest games to level up in. On top of that, many of the story missions can be taken on solo. Of course, these changes caused many long-time players to quit the game but it also caused a lot of gamers, such as myself, to give the game another shot.

From left to right: Galka, Mithra, Hume, Elvaan, Tarutaru

Character Creation

Available Races:

Hume (male, female) – They’re humans. Why “Hume” I have no idea.

Elvaan (male, female) – Tall, lanky Elves.

Mithra (female only) – Catgirls, nuff said.

Tarutaru (male, female) – Small, cute characters that excel at spellcasting.

Galka (male only) – A huge, beast-like race that eat Tarutarus (I have no proof of this, but I’m sure it happens)

Available  Jobs:

Black Mage

White Mage

Red Mage

Warrior

Thief

Dragoon

Ninja

Samurai

Summoner

Dark Knight

Paladin

Ranger

Beastmaster

Puppetmaster

Blue Mage

Corsair

Scholar

Dancer

There are plenty of options available in terms of jobs in FFXI, though the vast majority of the jobs have to be unlocked via quests later on in the game. However, since leveling is much easier now, one can easily experience every job in the game in a month or two. The race selection is fairly basic, and there are only a few character models available to each race. Each race has advantages and disadvantages when it comes to certain jobs, so choose wisely when creating your character and pay attention to their initial stats as that will tell you what jobs they’ll make truly shine. Any race can play any job well, it’s just that if you choose to create a Galka Black Mage, you’ll never be as good as a Tarutaru Black Mage. The beauty of FFXI’s job system is that it makes it unnecessary for gamers to create multiple characters so they can experience every job in the game. The only reason anyone creates another character is so they can have a “mule” – someone that can hold their extra gear, money and sell extra stuff on the Auction House for them.

Final Fantasy XI's visuals are still impressive.

Graphics

Despite being almost a decade old, FFXI’s graphics hold up and it remains to be one of the most visually stunning MMORPGs on the market. The game is huge as well, with large landscapes to explore and cities that tower over the characters. The character models are simple yet still have that typical Final Fantasy flair that really makes them stand out. The spells look bright and powerful, and provide for some stunning fireworks during heated battles. The graphics really do make this epic game actually feel epic.

Alexander. The final boss of the "Treasures of Aht Urhgan" expansion. Yeah, he's kind of a big deal.

Sound

While the Final Fantasy series lifelong composer Nubuo Uematsu didn’t compose all of the music featured in FFXI, most of the game’s soundtrack is what one would expect from a Final Fantasy game. From the proud, stoic music that plays in the Elvaan city San d’Oria, to the whimsical sounds of the Tarutaru city of Windurst the music in FFXI is pleasing and fun to listen to on its own. I’d also like to go on record by saying FFXI has the best Chocobo theme to date. The sound effects are also fitting, and make the battles even more entertaining. The only problem is sometimes the sound effects get cut out of the game’s soundtrack when playing in large parties and fighting multiple enemies at the same time.

The world of Vana'diel

Gameplay

The fact that it’s much easier to level in FFXI, and without much skill, than it ever was is both good and bad for gamers. The hardcore MMORPG players that have played the game since launch have either quit the game or continue to play just for the end-game content due to how simple the game has become. A few years back, it was very challenging to level up the different jobs and experience the story missions. Now, one can level-up lightning quick and solo most of the story missions thus not experiencing the game the way the developers originally designed it. Frankly, I welcome the fact that FFXI is easier to get into, but I will agree that perhaps it is much too easy to gain levels. I mean, it’s now possible to level in FFXI faster than in World of Warcraft. Ridiculous? Yeah, I’d say so. That being said, it’s still a massive time-sink to make money in FFXI. Farming items that sell for a decent amount on the Auction House can take weeks due to the rarity of the item drops, the monsters slow respawn times and competition from other players. Hardcore gamers savor these kinds of gameplay elements, and pretty much demand them from their MMORPGs, but I find them to be tedious and unnecessary. Traveling is also painfully slow, and can make relatively simple quests take a couple of hours or longer. The battle system, however, is very good and is tailored for groups with it’s “skillchain” system that allows two weapon abilities and a spell to be combined for bonus damage and sparkly effects.

You'll be spending a lot of time riding Chocobos.

Story

While I won’t go into the game’s story in great detail, I will say that it is one of the most grounded and character driven stories I’ve witnessed in a Final Fantasy game. There is plenty of political intrigue, romance, comedy, plot twists and character development throughout all of the missions (which there are plenty of) and are where the game is strongest. The problem? It can take awhile to actually get into the story given the fact that less people play the game therefore making it more difficult to find groups for the more difficult missions. On top of that, players will spend numerous hours farming items to make money so they can have the proper gear to tackle these story missions. These large gaps between gameplay and story can make the game not even worth it for gamers that appreciate a good story mixed in with their monster killing.

Battles in Final Fantasy XI can be fairly intense.

Controls

Dated. The user interface (UI) practically requires a keyboard to be effective, given how slow the mouse cursor moves. I’ve never played the game on a console so I can imagine how much worse it would be with a controller. If you can get it used to it, though, the UI isn’t that bad and the macro system is actually very well designed. I highly recommend using macros if you decide to take the plunge into this game, it makes battles so much easier especially if you’re a spellcaster.

Moogles still kick ass.

Buy It, Rent It or Forget It

Forget it. My initial, positive reaction to playing the game after the massive overhaul Square Enix has done to it over the past couple of years was short-lived. After awhile the game just became more frustrating, largely because of how long it takes to make money and the small server populations (though they have been growing over the past year) which make it difficult to find people to group with to complete some of the necessary quests and missions to further progress your character. FFXI has a lot going for it, but the games failures greatly outweigh it’s successes to make the game worthwhile even for the most hardcore of Final Fantasy fans or MMORPG players. However, if you can find an active linkshell (FFXI’s version of “guilds”) filled with people that are willing to help noobs (good luck with that) you may actually have some fun.

The best reason that Final Fantasy XI exists? Mithra cosplay.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Ceres, Tombstone

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Gamers in the eyes of the Red Cross, as portrayed by the media

What. The. Fuck.

Earlier I clicked on a link titled “Six hundred million gamers could be war criminals, Red Cross says“. I was a little surprised at not seeing the Onion logo in the corner. A little Googling came up with other headlines that screamed the burning questions “Are there 600 million virtual war criminals?” and “Could Playing Videogames Be a War Crime?” For fuck’s sake, people. The Red Cross didn’t say anything equating gamers with war criminals. In fact, all they said was that they were concerned that video games were teaching people the wrong way to handle combat situations. Well, no shit. Anyone that has tried jumping up and down in one spot while firing their assault rifle finds out how quickly that does not translate into an effective real-world tactic.

Sure, they also mentioned petitioning governments to create laws that limit video game violence into their narrow standard, but you know what? Political organizations have been trying that shit for decades and it still hasn’t worked (except maybe in parts of Australia, I guess). This is nothing new! Haven’t you ever heard of Jack “Fucktard” Thompson, for chrissake?

Seriously. Haven

Do gamers actually think the Red Cross has enough clout to make our governments change every war game from now on to conform to the Geneva and Hague Conventions? Bitch, please. Don’t get me wrong. I have mad respect for the Red Cross. They do great humanitarian work, and maybe that’s the source of their naivete. But these are the same people that kept bringing food into Somalia and having it taken at gunpoint by Somali warlords. The Red Cross was like, “Dude, you’re being a bit of a dick,” and the Somali warlords were like, “Yeah? So?”–which is my point exactly.

Here’s why I think it’s a little silly to force players to follow the International Laws of Warfare in video games:

(1) I would say nearly half of all war games take place in World War II. Most of the rules that they want implemented were ratified at conventions after WWII. It would be an anachronism and unrealistic to have them in effect in the time period in which these games take place. And let’s not even get started on the fantasy/sci-fi games where the milieu doesn’t even take place on our world (or our actual timeline).

(2) Most people that play military-themed games in America never step foot into a recruiting office (much to the chagrin of the makers of America’s Army), so it’s a moot point to force-feed them rules that only apply to the armed forces.

(3) Trust me when I say that soldiers get trained up on the laws of warfare. It is written into their Rules of Engagement. It is adhered to. I know video games make it look like all the military does is secret black ops and everyone has a license to kill anything that moves, but that is simply part of the power fantasy of the game. It has no relation to reality. For a look at what the military is really like, check out the video below:
Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

Now here’s how I think incorporating these international laws could be a fantastic idea:

(1) If it’s done as a reward situation to make a game more challenging or to follow the “good guy” storyline in a game, that would be cool. Not for the run-and-gun type player, but it could prove interesting if provided as an option.

(2) There’s a lot of good situations in the Conventions that would make great plot material, as well as provide the thinnest veneer of an explanation as to why you’re doing something. You know those escort missions that are such a pain in the ass due to sub-intelligent AI? Well, escorting Enemy Prisoners of War to a collection point is part of the Geneva Convention.

(3) The added layer of strategy these Conventions bring to the table would increase the awesomeness factor of these games. Cool thing you probably didn’t know? Captured medics give medical aid to anyone that needs it. Imagine as a gamer checking to make sure you don’t shoot the enemy medic (the one with a red cross or red crescent armband) so that you can use him to heal up your team before the next mission. What if enemies could surrender (not like the Grunts in Halo, but a real surrender)? It would certainly be more realistic, and the opportunities for reward could be anything from some vague score to perhaps finding clues as to where a certain item is, what’s coming up in the next boss battle, etc. Yeah, captured intelligence is used as a deus ex machina sometimes to advance the plot of the game, but what if it was a choice that offered something more?

Anyway, I don’t understand why all the commotion over this. Gaming journalism is not going to gain any sort of credibility if it turns every quasi-negative statement about gaming into a series of hyperbolic questions. In a way, it’s like giving your entire team medicine at every stop along the Oregon Trail, whether they have Cholera or not. Kind of wasteful, and could do more harm than good. The Red Cross is not the Spanish Inquisition. They’re just another feel-good organization that is worried that video games are turning people into sociopathic monsters, and they are going to use rainbow beams and unicorn dreams to lobby for change in a multibillion-dollar industry. Good luck with that. As for being brought up on charges of war crimes, obviously it would be the video game character’s fault, not the player’s. Sure, “Soap” MacTavish may say that he was just following my commands, but that shit didn’t fly at Nuremberg, so it ain’t gonna fly here.

"And behold, a pale horse..."

Violence? Boobs? Dick jokes? Furries? Saints Row: The Third has ‘em.

Note: As the title implies, I’ll be reviewing every game I get my hands on. I don’t care if the game came out in 1977; if I’m playing it, I’m reviewing it.

Available On: PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3

Release Date: November 17, 2011

System Played On: Playstation 3

The Saints Row franchise, developed by Volition, Inc. and published by THQ, are games that I know should hate but enjoy playing anyway. These are the best Grand Theft Auto clones on the market, and one could make a very good argument that they are more fun to play than most of the Grand Theft Auto series. I prefer the Grand Theft Auto series for various reasons, but I’ll save that for a later post. Anyway, I reserved this game a couple of months ago and picked it up on the day it was released. When the game was first announced last year, and I read the preview of it in Game Informer I was ecstatic. The game looked amazing and I couldn’t wait for it to come out. The months went by and more and more information about Saints Row: The Third was revealed so I decided to pre-order it. Then, I started reading hands-on previews and couldn’t help but think that I’ve made a grave mistake. It looked like Volition, Inc. did too much with the game, so much so that it had become a self-parody and would be painful to play. Regardless, I tried to remain optimistic and picked up the game anyway. When I popped it into my PS3 and played through the intro I felt that my initial fears were correct – the developers went way too far. When the game actually started, however, and I could freely roam around Steelport and participate in activities and story missions I quickly changed my mind. Here’s the skinny:

Story

Where to begin? Well, apparently the game takes places a few years after the events in Saints Row 2 (spoiler). The 3^rd Street Saints are wildly popular with the city (except for the politicians) and have their own clothing line, energy drinks, and cars. However, just when things were looking good for the Saints a group called The Syndicate shows up to destroy the Saints and takeover the city. It’s up to the gamer to take out the three factions of The Syndicate and take back Steelport. There’s drama between some of the characters, some plot twists and humorous moments but other than that the story is fairly straight-forward. The writing is probably the worst aspect of the game, but it moves the story along nicely and isn’t so bad that it effects the feel of the game.

The main character in the game's introductory stage during a bank robbery gone wrong. Yes, the game is this insane right from the start.

Graphics

Though a bit dated, the visuals in Saints Row: The Third are colorful, animated and reflect the excessive, pop-culture driven themes of the game. The characters look like they walked out of a comic book and, for the most part, move around smoothly albeit in an unrealistic manner, especially if you make your character to be particularly top-heavy. Ah, jiggle physics. I digress. Anyway, the facial expressions are fairly simple and cartoonish but let’s face it – Volition wasn’t going for stark realism here. All-in-all, the graphics compliment the gameplay nicely and serve as proof that you don’t need a high-powered physics engine and cinema-quality lighting to make a great game.

Bullets and explosions. What's not to love?

Controls

The controls aren’t very complicated, and any gamer that has played one of the previous Saints Row installments, or any other third-person action game, will pick them up quickly. My only complaint is the rotary weapon-select menu, which at times fails to properly select the weapon you want to use. This can be a pain in heavy fire situations, especially when you have to jump out of a vehicle and the game’s script changes the weapon automatically. The driving mechanics are fairly smooth, but tend to get frustrating when driving larger vehicles that can’t turn well, or suped-up vehicles that have sensitive steering controls.

Gameplay

Chaotic. Ridiculous. Excessive. Over-the-top. Messy. Insane. A shit-load of fun. Saints Row: The Third is everything gamers should expect from a Saints Row game and then some. All of the great activities from the previous games are there (Insurance Fraud, Heli Assault, Trafficking) with some additional activities that add even more hijinks. One awesome new activity puts the gamer into a game show called “Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax” where the object is to dodge traps and shoot mascots as quickly as possible. The story missions are just as fun, with stunts and action so outrageous one might think that John Woo and Michael Bay developed this game after a week-long crystal meth binge. To make things even more addicting, sim and RPG elements have been added to the game with the ability to purchase property and upgrades to your character and weapons.

Furries err, sorry, "mascots" vs. cops. What could possibly go wrong?

Sound

Most everything about the sound in Saints Row: The Third is OK. Not great, just OK. The voice-acting is decent, but can be out of synch at times mainly due to the weak face animations. The music in the game, most of which is heard via radio stations, is pretty much the music you’d expect from a game such as this – pop, hip-hop, metal, punk, classical and even a radio station that features music from Adult Swim programs. I’ve always been disappointed with the in-game radio stations in the Saints Row series, and the newest in the franchise isn’t any better. I mean, they’re not awful and the song choices work great with the gameplay, I guess I’m just used to the glory that is, and always will be, the radio stations found in the Grand Theft Auto series. Sorry, Saints Row: No Lazlow, no dice.

Replay Value

Saints Row: The Third has a moderately high replay value. Many of the activities found in the game are worth playing multiple times, and the story missions are just so ridiculous that they’re worth a second look – especially if you decide to overhaul your character’s appearance, such as creating a transsexual zombie furry. There’s also decisions the player has to make that effect the game’s story and effect which of the two endings the gamer will witness. With all of the exploration, customization, activities, Easter eggs, challenges, co-op missions and achievements/trophies Saints Row: The Third offers, it could easily provide 20+ hours of entertainment even after beating the main story missions. The best part? Volition is already working on Saints Row 4.

Yes, you can fly these. Yes, they are awesome.

Why the Internet Will Bitch About This Game

Day 1 DLC. An online pass that is required to unlock co-op mode (plus a free copy of Saints Row 2), which comes at no extra cost if the game is purchased new but gamers that bought the game used and have an invalid code will have to pay extra to access co-op mode (I’ll even admit that’s a bit too much). The paper-thin plot and two-dimensional characters. The dated graphics. Stupid dialogue. Oh, who am I kidding? The Internet will only bitch about the DLC and online pass.

Why I’ll Bitch About This Game

One of the major elements of the Saints Row series is taking over gang territory, and Saints Row: The Third is no different. What this entails is finding gang strongholds, killing everyone in them and claiming the stronghold for The Saints. This can be fun, but grows tedious given the amount of strongholds in each area of the city. Furthermore, these missions can be extremely frustrating given how fast the rival gang retaliates with specialist gang members (snipers in helicopters, roided-out brutes, etc.) which can lead to multiple deaths if you’re not quick about killing the required gang members in the stronghold. Even after clearing out the stronghold, the rival gang is still chasing after you and won’t stop until you either outrun them (which can take awhile) or hide in one of your safehouses or other purchased properties. The friendly A.I. is also awful. Sure, you can recruit a posse to help you out with some activities or missions but most of the time they just wind up dying. They can serve as a nice distraction when under heavy fire, but they’re awful shots and it’s up to you to kill off most of the enemies. Also, they’re horrible drivers and it’s not uncommon for them to fail a mission for you when they’re at the wheel.

Buy It, Rent It or Forget It

Buy it. If crazy action, vulgarity, customization and open-world games are your bag than this game should be in your collection along with the rest of the Saints Row games. Saints Row: The Third is well designed, addicting, fun and delivers everything THQ and Volition promoted.

Prof. Genki's Man-a-Pault was available as a pre-order bonus. Guess what it does?

Next time on Franchise Rants and Ravings: Final Fantasy XI, the first MMORPG in the Final Fantasy series. I’ve been playing it daily for almost 3 months now, so I’ll have plenty to bitch about.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Eric and Tony from Bowtie cat!

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ian and Justin of Goinglast.net

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Ceres, and The Girlfriend