WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Is the remastered Final Fantasy: 20th Anniversary Edition on the PSP worth a JRPGer’s time? That’s a definite maybe.

Available On: Nintendo Entertainment System, MSX2, WonderSwan Color, PlayStation, Game Boy Advance, PlayStation Portable,Virtual Console, PlayStation Network, iOS

Original Release Date: December 17, 1987 (Japan), July 12, 1990 (USA)

System Played On: Playstation Portable

Version Release Date: 2007

I can remember first playing Final Fantasy for the NES in 1991. I practically begged my parents to buy it for me as a birthday present the previous Summer, and again that Christmas. Sadly, I didn’t get the chance to restore the four crystals during that fated year of 1990. Instead, I was treated to a lovely LJN title called Back to the Future Part II & III. Apparently the non-stop cursing and controller chucking that occurred when I played the first Back to the Future (also made by LJN) were hints that I desperately needed the sequel to that bullshit game.

Anyway, during the Summer of 1991 I spent a lot of time over at a friend’s house playing Final Fantasy. He was my only friend that enjoyed RPGs, and both of us had logged in numerous hours playing Wizardry, the Dragon Warrior series (our favorites, at the time) and both Zelda games that were on the NES. Final Fantasy quickly become our new favorite game, and we took it very seriously. We had created our own maps, bestiary and had devised numerous boss strategies depending on what classes our party consisted of. It was perhaps because of these moments in my gaming history that the Final Fantasy series will always remain one of my favorites, and why Final Fantasy: 20th Anniversary Edition on the PSP brought back so many fond memories.

A fancy CGI introduction starts things off.

Gameplay

The basic gameplay found in Final Fantasy is what one will find in virtually every other Final Fantasy game: a world map, a menu screen used to outfit party members and a battle screen filled with commands. The NES Final Fantasy was a bit slow and clunky, and some of the battles took much too long to finish, or at least felt that way. This isn’t the case with the PSP version (or GBA version, for that matter), as SquareEnix did a fine job with speeding up the gameplay and making the various menu screens much easier to use.

As in the NES Final Fantasy, players choose what jobs (Warrior, Thief, Black Belt, White Mage, Black Mage, Red Mage) the four Warriors of Light will be at the beginning of the game. I’ve always loved this aspect of the first Final Fantasy, as it allows the gamer to make the game more challenging by choosing a party made up of the weaker jobs. For example, I once tried to beat the game with all White Mages. I would go into the details but … well, it was a traumatic experience for everyone involved. Anyway, this version of the game is a tad easier than the original, but the five bonus dungeons (which change upon every visit) certainly make up for that and can provide for a more satisfying game experience, especially for completionists.

The Warriors of Light take on Garland, the first boss in Final Fantasy.

Writing

The plot to Final Fantasy is fairly simple, not to mention generic. Essentially, there are four elemental (earth, fire, water, wind) crystals (“orbs” in the American NES release) that need to be restored in order to save the world. These crystals have been going “dark” for a couple of centuries, and a prophet named Lukahn predicts the coming of four Warriors of Light who will restore the crystals power and defeat the evil that is spreading across the land. There really isn’t much else to the story, except for the “twist” at the end which is more hokey than clever.

The game’s dialogue is just as boring as the story. The Warriors of Light are silent heroes, and the NPCs offer up some very cryptic dialogue. Ever so often there will be an NPC that says something amusing, and there is always at least one NPC in each town that will guide the Warriors in the right direction, but other than that most of them aren’t worth talking to.

Sadly, this is as good the dialogue gets.

Controls

Only a few buttons are used for the game, and they all do what they’re supposed to do. The addition of the “L” and “R” buttons to navigate through menu screens is a nice touch, and can make things go a little bit faster. Furthermore, players can customize the controls in the menu to fit their needs. Other than that, the controls are practically the same as the original.

The world map is a vast improvement compared to the original game.

Sound

Perhaps the most dated aspect of the original Final Fantasy is the music. I’ve gone back and played the 8-bit classic a couple of times in the recent past, and I’ve found myself either turning the sound way down or completely off. Yes, I know, Uematsu composed the soundtrack, but the music that plays in most of the castles and villages is just horrific. Thankfully, the PSP version borrowed the remixed soundtrack found in the GBA Final Fantasy remake.

Visuals

SquareEnix beefed up the graphics for the PSP remake, even more so than the GBA port. The higher resolution, CGI cinematics and the inclusion of aerial effects found in the game’s villages are a nice treat. The spells cast during battle look vibrant and powerful, and the weapons look big and shiny. The character sprites are much improved, as well, and the monsters look even better. The visuals are definitely one of the game’s strong points.

1987

2007

Buy it. Try it. Forget it.

Try it, if you’re a fan of the genre. If not, forget it. The “modernized” version available on the PSP doesn’t add anything new to the story, but it does provide the gamer with new dungeons to explore, a faster and prettier combat system and much improved music. These changes don’t take away from the game’s original “charm”, and actually provide for a much better experience. Let’s not kid ourselves into thinking that the original 8-bit Final Fantasy game still holds up today – it doesn’t. In fact, Final Fantasy on the NES is liable to put someone in a coma due to how slow it is. Sure, it is a solid piece of gaming history, and any vintage game collector worth damn has a copy, but only the most die-hard of Final Fantasy and JRPG fans (which includes myself) will find it worth revisiting. Trust me, the PSP and GBA remastered versions provide a much better way to enjoy the original Final Fantasy.

A White Mage and a Red Mage can make for a sexy combo.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Doxy (yes, Doxy)

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone and Ceres

Is Star Wars: The Old Republic the next great MMORPG to hit store shelves and live up to the hype? Read on to find out.

I’ve been spending a lot of time playing MMORPGs lately. I’ve always been interested in the genre, and have played numerous MMORPGs throughout the years. However, I’ve yet to find one that I can truly get invested in. The closest I’ve come to finding the perfect MMORPG that appealed to my gaming tastes was World of Warcraft, and it remains one of my all-time-favorite MMORPGs to date. Despite this, I still couldn’t truly get into the game. Part of this is due to the fact that I have “alt-syndrome” or “alt-itus”; I make a character I think I’ll enjoy playing for months on end, only to change my mind a week or so later and create another character. The best times I’ve had playing World of Warcraft were when I was playing the game with real life friends in a guild one of us started, which made it easier for me to really get into the character that I was playing and learn how to play the character more effectively. Grouping was also a lot easier, especially since most of us were around the same level. However, I would wind up rage-quitting the game because my friends insisted on playing in WoW’s PvP servers. I don’t have anything against PvP in general, but getting ganked by max-level characters repeatedly while trying to quest in the higher populated zones (I’m looking at you, Stranglethorn Vale) is not my idea of fun.

Perhaps the biggest reason I initially stopped playing WoW a few years ago was because of it’s fanboys. I’ve never seen a group of people bitch so much about a game they play constantly. The general chat in WoW is full of people whining about recent changes Blizzard made to their favorite class, or gripes about the latest expansion. Hypocritically, whenever a new, hyped-up MMORPG gets announced/released the WoW faithful love nothing more than to trash the new game, it’s fanbase and gloat about how WoW is the best MMORPG ever and will never go free-to-play. Star Wars: The Old Republic is the latest MMORPG to receive nerd-rage filled insults from the WoW community, and that is all the more reason to play it.

Blasters rock

I pre-ordered a digital copy of SWTOR in early December of last year, and was fortunate enough to be able to start playing the game four days before the official release date (December 20^th). I created my account, downloaded, installed and launched the game. My immediate reaction to the opening cinematic was the same as my reaction when I first saw the teaser trailer EA and BioWare showed off at E3 last year:“Why the fuck weren’t the prequels like this?!” It’s sad to think that a five minute trailer could be more satisfying than three two hour long films. Anyway, I chose my server (a PvE server, I’ll try PvP later) and created my first character – a human female Smuggler. Smuggler’s are the Han Solo class and rely on blasters, stealth, explosives, wit and sexual charisma to survive. While Smuggler’s are aligned with the Republic, they tend to do whatever the fuck they want and are more than willing to bend the rules as long as it’s for the greater good and there’s a large paycheck involved.

The four classes of the Sith Empire

There are eight different classes to choose from in SWTOR (four Republic, four Empire), and each one has their own story that’s broken up into three acts and a prologue. The classes don’t start out in the same areas, either. The classes that have force abilities start out on different planets than the non-force using classes. For example, Republic Smuggler’s and Commando’s start on the planet Ord Mantell, which is currently in the midst of a civil war between the Republic and Republic separatists. Meanwhile, Jedi Knight’s and Consular’s start on the planet Tython, where they are currently rebuilding the Jedi Temple after the Empire’s sacking of Coruscant, which destroyed the original Jedi Temple.

The four classes of the Republic

The game’s narrative is told through cut-scene conversations complete with voice-acting and conversation trees that give the player a choice in how they respond to what NPCs are telling them, just like in Mass Effect and other BioWare titles. These choices not only have an effect on the outcome of certain missions, but they also effect the character’s Light Side and Dark Side levels. Throughout the course of the game, the character gains points in either Dark Side or Light Side depending on the player’s choices in how to complete some missions. These points translate into either Dark Side levels or Light Side levels, which in turn translate into access to better gear. It is not possible to gain levels in both alignments; one must chose one path or the other.

A typical mission conversation in Star Wars: The Old Republic

Leveling in SWTOR consists mainly of doing missions, exploration, crafting and killing enemies. PvP is also available, but since I’m on a PvE server I haven’t experienced the world PvP yet, and I’ve been too busy with all of the other treats SWTOR offers to try out the PvP battle arenas. The battle system is similar to WoW, and consists of different task bars that are used to access the character’s skills and can provide easy access to inventory items such as stims that provide large boosts to character attributes. SWTOR’s command keys are almost exactly like WoW’s (“c” opens the character menu, “tab” switches between targets, etc), and the user-interface is also similar. One major difference, however, is inventory expansions. In WoW, players have to buy new bags in order to increase the size of their inventory. This is not the case in SWTOR, as the player can just use their credits to expand their inventory right in the menu.

The galaxy map for Star Wars: The Old Republic

Every class in the game acquires a space ship around level 16, after they have finished their prologue story missions. The ship acts not only as a way to travel between planets and space stations, but it also provides extra storage (which can also be expanded), access to space battles (I’ll get to those shortly) and houses your character’s companions. Every class meets new people during their story campaign that become crew members for their ship and battle partners. Only one can be activated at time, but they all do something different that benefits your character in battle such as healing and tanking. Companions also get there own armor, weapons, have their own story missions and some of them can have a romantic relationship with your character. No BioWare game would be complete without alien sex.

Races of the Old Republic

The space battles in SWTOR are a nice break from the melee combat. The battles are on rails, but you can move your ship around to dodge other ships and asteroids. BioWare has taken a lot of heat for the space combat, but I rather enjoy it. There aren’t that many space missions available currently, and most of them involve doing the same thing. These missions do become more difficult, and require you to give your ship more upgrades, but they reward you with some excellent experience points and some nifty items.

A typical space combat mission featured in Star Wars: The Old Republic

I’ve only created three character’s thus far in my SWTOR career: My Smuggler Exendria and an Imperial Bounty Hunter named Loboh, both of whom are on a PvE server, and a Sith Warrior that I named Exender who is on a PvP server (only level 3). Exendria is level 28, and is currently kicking sand on the planet Tatooine. Loboh is just level 7, but so far I’m enjoying the Bounty Hunter’s story more than the Smuggler’s. Furthermore, I think I may actually prefer the Sith Empire over the Republic – the character’s seem to be more interesting and their stories more compelling. I haven’t decided on a main character as of yet (alt-syndrome strikes again), but I after get most of the classes to level 20 or so I’ll probably have a good idea as to which character’s ass I want to stare at the longest.

The combat is solid, but could use some tweaking.

So far, I’m loving what I’m seeing and I hope it keeps getting better. The game has great music, smooth graphics, great voice-acting (including Nolan North, for you Assassin’s Creed and Uncharted fans), interesting stories and spiffy battle mechanics (though they can get weird at times). If you’re an MMORPG fan, especially one that is bored with WoW, definitely give this game a shot.

Star Wars brings people together.

Bastion

With it’s attention to story, roguelike gameplay and music, Bastion provides a truly unique experience in gaming. Everything about this game just fits: the gameplay drives the narrative; the narrative drives the gameplay; the music drives everything. Bastion’s narrator, who sounds like he spends most of his time chain-smoking and drinking whiskey, is the best part of the game; you’ll find yourself experimenting with everything the game offers just to see what he has to say next. The soundtrack is also outstanding (one of the years best), and I recommend that if you purchase the game on Steam you should shell out the extra cash to purchase it along with the game. Bastion is also available on XBLA and Google Chrome via the Chrome Web Store.

Deus Ex: Human Revolution

The original Deus Ex is one of my all-time-favorite video games, and I think it still holds up well by today’s standards. Deus Ex: Human Revolution retains everything that’s great about the original but adds in modern gameplay elements (not to mention graphics), for better or for worse. I had a great time with DE:HR despite some of it’s flaws, and it’s a game that I plan on revisiting. I think why I love DE:HR so much is the gameplay choices, and the game’s fun, albeit predictable, storyline. Plus, randomly punching people on the street has never been so hilarious.

Bulletstorm

Definitely the most fun I’ve had playing a shooter in awhile. Bulletstorm was a sleeper, but it was moderately well received by critics. However, it was smacked down by a lot of gamers, particularly the FPS die-hards. What makes Bulletstorm shine is the fact that it’s not like Call of Duty or Battlefield. Using an electric whip to toss enemies around into hazardous areas (spikes, pits, man-eating plants, etc.) or to get a battle angle at shooting their balls off is fucking genius. Oh, and the crude dialogue and ridiculous plot? The game was written by Rick Remender, who’s not only an awesome comic book writer (Punisher, Venom, Uncanny X-Force), but an all-around bad-ass. This game will kill your dick. Best shooter of the year, mother fuckers.

Catherine

Like Bastion, Catherine is also one of the more unique games to be released in 2011. The mixture of puzzles and conversation-driven, love-sim gameplay blend together well and the animation provided by STUDIO4°C (Animatrix, Halo Legends, Batman: Gotham Knight) works great with the games odd storyline. The puzzle sections of the game can be a tad too difficult at times, but the story sequences that take place in between the brick climbing/moving action are a great reward. I’m also a sucker for games with multiple endings, and all eight of Catherine’s are highly entertaining.

Saints Row: The Third

If you didn’t read my review of this game, you really should. Go on. I can wait. Done? Good. Now, allow me to further discuss how much I love this game. As I mentioned in my review, I went into the game thinking I was going to hate the game. In fact, I should probably hate this game. I just can’t, though. It’s so much fucking fun. I still haven’t finished the game, mainly because I’ve been having way too much with the game’s activities, gaining levels, buying new perks, collecting cars and just causing mad chaos around Steelport. Volition really hit the mark with this game, I’m hoping Saints Row 4 is even more insane.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, The Girlfriend

Does the aging online Final Fantasy game hold up to today’s MMORPG standards, or does bite the big Moogle? Read on to find out.

Available On: Windows PC, Playstation 2, Xbox 360

Release Dates: May, 16 2002 (PS2 Japan), November, 2 2002 (PC Japan), October, 28 2003 (PC North America), March, 23 2004 (PS2 North America), April, 18 2006 (Xbox 360 North America, Japan)

System Played On: Windows PC

Before World of Warcraft was released, the hottest MMORPG was EverQuest. Naturally, game developers were chomping at the bit to create their own MMORPG due to the genre’s rising popularity. So, naturally, Square Enix (then known as Squaresoft) decided to jump on the bandwagon and move their wildly popular Final Fantasy franchise into the online world. Final Fantasy XI was fairly well reviewed for both PC and PS2, and the hardcore Final Fantasy fans and MMORPG players loved the complexities and time-consuming challenges of the gameplay. One of the things FFXI had going for it was the numerous classes (called “jobs”) available in the game, any of which can be paired with a main job thus giving the player more abilities. FFXI was also massive, and anything you wanted to accomplish you had to work to get. Leveling took very long, and consisted mainly of grouping and killing enemies that gave out paltry sums of experience points; it could take a year or longer to actually build-up a character to level 75 (the max level at the time) and experience all of the end-game content. This was great for hardcore gamers, and it even suckered in the more casual crowd who became addicted to FFXI’s content. For the rest of us, as with EverQuest, FFXI was a major turn-off.

When Square Enix released the fourth expansion pack for FFXI, “Wings of the Goddess”, in 2008 things started to change. Square Enix decided to make the game more appealing to casual fans by making the game easier. It was just gradual changes at first, but because of updates to the game earlier this year FFXI is now one of the easiest games to level up in. On top of that, many of the story missions can be taken on solo. Of course, these changes caused many long-time players to quit the game but it also caused a lot of gamers, such as myself, to give the game another shot.

From left to right: Galka, Mithra, Hume, Elvaan, Tarutaru

Character Creation

Available Races:

Hume (male, female) – They’re humans. Why “Hume” I have no idea.

Elvaan (male, female) – Tall, lanky Elves.

Mithra (female only) – Catgirls, nuff said.

Tarutaru (male, female) – Small, cute characters that excel at spellcasting.

Galka (male only) – A huge, beast-like race that eat Tarutarus (I have no proof of this, but I’m sure it happens)

Available  Jobs:

Black Mage

White Mage

Red Mage

Warrior

Thief

Dragoon

Ninja

Samurai

Summoner

Dark Knight

Paladin

Ranger

Beastmaster

Puppetmaster

Blue Mage

Corsair

Scholar

Dancer

There are plenty of options available in terms of jobs in FFXI, though the vast majority of the jobs have to be unlocked via quests later on in the game. However, since leveling is much easier now, one can easily experience every job in the game in a month or two. The race selection is fairly basic, and there are only a few character models available to each race. Each race has advantages and disadvantages when it comes to certain jobs, so choose wisely when creating your character and pay attention to their initial stats as that will tell you what jobs they’ll make truly shine. Any race can play any job well, it’s just that if you choose to create a Galka Black Mage, you’ll never be as good as a Tarutaru Black Mage. The beauty of FFXI’s job system is that it makes it unnecessary for gamers to create multiple characters so they can experience every job in the game. The only reason anyone creates another character is so they can have a “mule” – someone that can hold their extra gear, money and sell extra stuff on the Auction House for them.

Final Fantasy XI's visuals are still impressive.

Graphics

Despite being almost a decade old, FFXI’s graphics hold up and it remains to be one of the most visually stunning MMORPGs on the market. The game is huge as well, with large landscapes to explore and cities that tower over the characters. The character models are simple yet still have that typical Final Fantasy flair that really makes them stand out. The spells look bright and powerful, and provide for some stunning fireworks during heated battles. The graphics really do make this epic game actually feel epic.

Alexander. The final boss of the "Treasures of Aht Urhgan" expansion. Yeah, he's kind of a big deal.

Sound

While the Final Fantasy series lifelong composer Nubuo Uematsu didn’t compose all of the music featured in FFXI, most of the game’s soundtrack is what one would expect from a Final Fantasy game. From the proud, stoic music that plays in the Elvaan city San d’Oria, to the whimsical sounds of the Tarutaru city of Windurst the music in FFXI is pleasing and fun to listen to on its own. I’d also like to go on record by saying FFXI has the best Chocobo theme to date. The sound effects are also fitting, and make the battles even more entertaining. The only problem is sometimes the sound effects get cut out of the game’s soundtrack when playing in large parties and fighting multiple enemies at the same time.

The world of Vana'diel

Gameplay

The fact that it’s much easier to level in FFXI, and without much skill, than it ever was is both good and bad for gamers. The hardcore MMORPG players that have played the game since launch have either quit the game or continue to play just for the end-game content due to how simple the game has become. A few years back, it was very challenging to level up the different jobs and experience the story missions. Now, one can level-up lightning quick and solo most of the story missions thus not experiencing the game the way the developers originally designed it. Frankly, I welcome the fact that FFXI is easier to get into, but I will agree that perhaps it is much too easy to gain levels. I mean, it’s now possible to level in FFXI faster than in World of Warcraft. Ridiculous? Yeah, I’d say so. That being said, it’s still a massive time-sink to make money in FFXI. Farming items that sell for a decent amount on the Auction House can take weeks due to the rarity of the item drops, the monsters slow respawn times and competition from other players. Hardcore gamers savor these kinds of gameplay elements, and pretty much demand them from their MMORPGs, but I find them to be tedious and unnecessary. Traveling is also painfully slow, and can make relatively simple quests take a couple of hours or longer. The battle system, however, is very good and is tailored for groups with it’s “skillchain” system that allows two weapon abilities and a spell to be combined for bonus damage and sparkly effects.

You'll be spending a lot of time riding Chocobos.

Story

While I won’t go into the game’s story in great detail, I will say that it is one of the most grounded and character driven stories I’ve witnessed in a Final Fantasy game. There is plenty of political intrigue, romance, comedy, plot twists and character development throughout all of the missions (which there are plenty of) and are where the game is strongest. The problem? It can take awhile to actually get into the story given the fact that less people play the game therefore making it more difficult to find groups for the more difficult missions. On top of that, players will spend numerous hours farming items to make money so they can have the proper gear to tackle these story missions. These large gaps between gameplay and story can make the game not even worth it for gamers that appreciate a good story mixed in with their monster killing.

Battles in Final Fantasy XI can be fairly intense.

Controls

Dated. The user interface (UI) practically requires a keyboard to be effective, given how slow the mouse cursor moves. I’ve never played the game on a console so I can imagine how much worse it would be with a controller. If you can get it used to it, though, the UI isn’t that bad and the macro system is actually very well designed. I highly recommend using macros if you decide to take the plunge into this game, it makes battles so much easier especially if you’re a spellcaster.

Moogles still kick ass.

Buy It, Rent It or Forget It

Forget it. My initial, positive reaction to playing the game after the massive overhaul Square Enix has done to it over the past couple of years was short-lived. After awhile the game just became more frustrating, largely because of how long it takes to make money and the small server populations (though they have been growing over the past year) which make it difficult to find people to group with to complete some of the necessary quests and missions to further progress your character. FFXI has a lot going for it, but the games failures greatly outweigh it’s successes to make the game worthwhile even for the most hardcore of Final Fantasy fans or MMORPG players. However, if you can find an active linkshell (FFXI’s version of “guilds”) filled with people that are willing to help noobs (good luck with that) you may actually have some fun.

The best reason that Final Fantasy XI exists? Mithra cosplay.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Ceres, Tombstone

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Gamers in the eyes of the Red Cross, as portrayed by the media

What. The. Fuck.

Earlier I clicked on a link titled “Six hundred million gamers could be war criminals, Red Cross says“. I was a little surprised at not seeing the Onion logo in the corner. A little Googling came up with other headlines that screamed the burning questions “Are there 600 million virtual war criminals?” and “Could Playing Videogames Be a War Crime?” For fuck’s sake, people. The Red Cross didn’t say anything equating gamers with war criminals. In fact, all they said was that they were concerned that video games were teaching people the wrong way to handle combat situations. Well, no shit. Anyone that has tried jumping up and down in one spot while firing their assault rifle finds out how quickly that does not translate into an effective real-world tactic.

Sure, they also mentioned petitioning governments to create laws that limit video game violence into their narrow standard, but you know what? Political organizations have been trying that shit for decades and it still hasn’t worked (except maybe in parts of Australia, I guess). This is nothing new! Haven’t you ever heard of Jack “Fucktard” Thompson, for chrissake?

Seriously. Haven

Do gamers actually think the Red Cross has enough clout to make our governments change every war game from now on to conform to the Geneva and Hague Conventions? Bitch, please. Don’t get me wrong. I have mad respect for the Red Cross. They do great humanitarian work, and maybe that’s the source of their naivete. But these are the same people that kept bringing food into Somalia and having it taken at gunpoint by Somali warlords. The Red Cross was like, “Dude, you’re being a bit of a dick,” and the Somali warlords were like, “Yeah? So?”–which is my point exactly.

Here’s why I think it’s a little silly to force players to follow the International Laws of Warfare in video games:

(1) I would say nearly half of all war games take place in World War II. Most of the rules that they want implemented were ratified at conventions after WWII. It would be an anachronism and unrealistic to have them in effect in the time period in which these games take place. And let’s not even get started on the fantasy/sci-fi games where the milieu doesn’t even take place on our world (or our actual timeline).

(2) Most people that play military-themed games in America never step foot into a recruiting office (much to the chagrin of the makers of America’s Army), so it’s a moot point to force-feed them rules that only apply to the armed forces.

(3) Trust me when I say that soldiers get trained up on the laws of warfare. It is written into their Rules of Engagement. It is adhered to. I know video games make it look like all the military does is secret black ops and everyone has a license to kill anything that moves, but that is simply part of the power fantasy of the game. It has no relation to reality. For a look at what the military is really like, check out the video below:
Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

Now here’s how I think incorporating these international laws could be a fantastic idea:

(1) If it’s done as a reward situation to make a game more challenging or to follow the “good guy” storyline in a game, that would be cool. Not for the run-and-gun type player, but it could prove interesting if provided as an option.

(2) There’s a lot of good situations in the Conventions that would make great plot material, as well as provide the thinnest veneer of an explanation as to why you’re doing something. You know those escort missions that are such a pain in the ass due to sub-intelligent AI? Well, escorting Enemy Prisoners of War to a collection point is part of the Geneva Convention.

(3) The added layer of strategy these Conventions bring to the table would increase the awesomeness factor of these games. Cool thing you probably didn’t know? Captured medics give medical aid to anyone that needs it. Imagine as a gamer checking to make sure you don’t shoot the enemy medic (the one with a red cross or red crescent armband) so that you can use him to heal up your team before the next mission. What if enemies could surrender (not like the Grunts in Halo, but a real surrender)? It would certainly be more realistic, and the opportunities for reward could be anything from some vague score to perhaps finding clues as to where a certain item is, what’s coming up in the next boss battle, etc. Yeah, captured intelligence is used as a deus ex machina sometimes to advance the plot of the game, but what if it was a choice that offered something more?

Anyway, I don’t understand why all the commotion over this. Gaming journalism is not going to gain any sort of credibility if it turns every quasi-negative statement about gaming into a series of hyperbolic questions. In a way, it’s like giving your entire team medicine at every stop along the Oregon Trail, whether they have Cholera or not. Kind of wasteful, and could do more harm than good. The Red Cross is not the Spanish Inquisition. They’re just another feel-good organization that is worried that video games are turning people into sociopathic monsters, and they are going to use rainbow beams and unicorn dreams to lobby for change in a multibillion-dollar industry. Good luck with that. As for being brought up on charges of war crimes, obviously it would be the video game character’s fault, not the player’s. Sure, “Soap” MacTavish may say that he was just following my commands, but that shit didn’t fly at Nuremberg, so it ain’t gonna fly here.

"And behold, a pale horse..."

Violence? Boobs? Dick jokes? Furries? Saints Row: The Third has ‘em.

Note: As the title implies, I’ll be reviewing every game I get my hands on. I don’t care if the game came out in 1977; if I’m playing it, I’m reviewing it.

Available On: PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3

Release Date: November 17, 2011

System Played On: Playstation 3

The Saints Row franchise, developed by Volition, Inc. and published by THQ, are games that I know should hate but enjoy playing anyway. These are the best Grand Theft Auto clones on the market, and one could make a very good argument that they are more fun to play than most of the Grand Theft Auto series. I prefer the Grand Theft Auto series for various reasons, but I’ll save that for a later post. Anyway, I reserved this game a couple of months ago and picked it up on the day it was released. When the game was first announced last year, and I read the preview of it in Game Informer I was ecstatic. The game looked amazing and I couldn’t wait for it to come out. The months went by and more and more information about Saints Row: The Third was revealed so I decided to pre-order it. Then, I started reading hands-on previews and couldn’t help but think that I’ve made a grave mistake. It looked like Volition, Inc. did too much with the game, so much so that it had become a self-parody and would be painful to play. Regardless, I tried to remain optimistic and picked up the game anyway. When I popped it into my PS3 and played through the intro I felt that my initial fears were correct – the developers went way too far. When the game actually started, however, and I could freely roam around Steelport and participate in activities and story missions I quickly changed my mind. Here’s the skinny:

Story

Where to begin? Well, apparently the game takes places a few years after the events in Saints Row 2 (spoiler). The 3^rd Street Saints are wildly popular with the city (except for the politicians) and have their own clothing line, energy drinks, and cars. However, just when things were looking good for the Saints a group called The Syndicate shows up to destroy the Saints and takeover the city. It’s up to the gamer to take out the three factions of The Syndicate and take back Steelport. There’s drama between some of the characters, some plot twists and humorous moments but other than that the story is fairly straight-forward. The writing is probably the worst aspect of the game, but it moves the story along nicely and isn’t so bad that it effects the feel of the game.

The main character in the game's introductory stage during a bank robbery gone wrong. Yes, the game is this insane right from the start.

Graphics

Though a bit dated, the visuals in Saints Row: The Third are colorful, animated and reflect the excessive, pop-culture driven themes of the game. The characters look like they walked out of a comic book and, for the most part, move around smoothly albeit in an unrealistic manner, especially if you make your character to be particularly top-heavy. Ah, jiggle physics. I digress. Anyway, the facial expressions are fairly simple and cartoonish but let’s face it – Volition wasn’t going for stark realism here. All-in-all, the graphics compliment the gameplay nicely and serve as proof that you don’t need a high-powered physics engine and cinema-quality lighting to make a great game.

Bullets and explosions. What's not to love?

Controls

The controls aren’t very complicated, and any gamer that has played one of the previous Saints Row installments, or any other third-person action game, will pick them up quickly. My only complaint is the rotary weapon-select menu, which at times fails to properly select the weapon you want to use. This can be a pain in heavy fire situations, especially when you have to jump out of a vehicle and the game’s script changes the weapon automatically. The driving mechanics are fairly smooth, but tend to get frustrating when driving larger vehicles that can’t turn well, or suped-up vehicles that have sensitive steering controls.

Gameplay

Chaotic. Ridiculous. Excessive. Over-the-top. Messy. Insane. A shit-load of fun. Saints Row: The Third is everything gamers should expect from a Saints Row game and then some. All of the great activities from the previous games are there (Insurance Fraud, Heli Assault, Trafficking) with some additional activities that add even more hijinks. One awesome new activity puts the gamer into a game show called “Professor Genki’s Super Ethical Reality Climax” where the object is to dodge traps and shoot mascots as quickly as possible. The story missions are just as fun, with stunts and action so outrageous one might think that John Woo and Michael Bay developed this game after a week-long crystal meth binge. To make things even more addicting, sim and RPG elements have been added to the game with the ability to purchase property and upgrades to your character and weapons.

Furries err, sorry, "mascots" vs. cops. What could possibly go wrong?

Sound

Most everything about the sound in Saints Row: The Third is OK. Not great, just OK. The voice-acting is decent, but can be out of synch at times mainly due to the weak face animations. The music in the game, most of which is heard via radio stations, is pretty much the music you’d expect from a game such as this – pop, hip-hop, metal, punk, classical and even a radio station that features music from Adult Swim programs. I’ve always been disappointed with the in-game radio stations in the Saints Row series, and the newest in the franchise isn’t any better. I mean, they’re not awful and the song choices work great with the gameplay, I guess I’m just used to the glory that is, and always will be, the radio stations found in the Grand Theft Auto series. Sorry, Saints Row: No Lazlow, no dice.

Replay Value

Saints Row: The Third has a moderately high replay value. Many of the activities found in the game are worth playing multiple times, and the story missions are just so ridiculous that they’re worth a second look – especially if you decide to overhaul your character’s appearance, such as creating a transsexual zombie furry. There’s also decisions the player has to make that effect the game’s story and effect which of the two endings the gamer will witness. With all of the exploration, customization, activities, Easter eggs, challenges, co-op missions and achievements/trophies Saints Row: The Third offers, it could easily provide 20+ hours of entertainment even after beating the main story missions. The best part? Volition is already working on Saints Row 4.

Yes, you can fly these. Yes, they are awesome.

Why the Internet Will Bitch About This Game

Day 1 DLC. An online pass that is required to unlock co-op mode (plus a free copy of Saints Row 2), which comes at no extra cost if the game is purchased new but gamers that bought the game used and have an invalid code will have to pay extra to access co-op mode (I’ll even admit that’s a bit too much). The paper-thin plot and two-dimensional characters. The dated graphics. Stupid dialogue. Oh, who am I kidding? The Internet will only bitch about the DLC and online pass.

Why I’ll Bitch About This Game

One of the major elements of the Saints Row series is taking over gang territory, and Saints Row: The Third is no different. What this entails is finding gang strongholds, killing everyone in them and claiming the stronghold for The Saints. This can be fun, but grows tedious given the amount of strongholds in each area of the city. Furthermore, these missions can be extremely frustrating given how fast the rival gang retaliates with specialist gang members (snipers in helicopters, roided-out brutes, etc.) which can lead to multiple deaths if you’re not quick about killing the required gang members in the stronghold. Even after clearing out the stronghold, the rival gang is still chasing after you and won’t stop until you either outrun them (which can take awhile) or hide in one of your safehouses or other purchased properties. The friendly A.I. is also awful. Sure, you can recruit a posse to help you out with some activities or missions but most of the time they just wind up dying. They can serve as a nice distraction when under heavy fire, but they’re awful shots and it’s up to you to kill off most of the enemies. Also, they’re horrible drivers and it’s not uncommon for them to fail a mission for you when they’re at the wheel.

Buy It, Rent It or Forget It

Buy it. If crazy action, vulgarity, customization and open-world games are your bag than this game should be in your collection along with the rest of the Saints Row games. Saints Row: The Third is well designed, addicting, fun and delivers everything THQ and Volition promoted.

Prof. Genki's Man-a-Pault was available as a pre-order bonus. Guess what it does?

Next time on Franchise Rants and Ravings: Final Fantasy XI, the first MMORPG in the Final Fantasy series. I’ve been playing it daily for almost 3 months now, so I’ll have plenty to bitch about.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres, Eric and Tony from Bowtie cat!

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ian and Justin of Goinglast.net

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Ceres, and The Girlfriend



WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Tayo and Switch discover why Luigi has an obsession with green.

The Kids continue to seek knowledge from the Nerd Sage. Ceres aims to end an argument as old as Trek itself.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Ceres

Finally reaching their goal, the Kids seek the answer to the ultimate question.

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Chuck Van Pelt

We would like to really thank everyone who participated in the tournament. A special thank you to Cecily and Tombstone for helping supply the hardware we needed!

Below are the results in a bracket. We played several rounds of 3 or 4 players until there were only 2. Everyone had to loose 2 in order to be complete knocked out of the bracket. In the end The Jimmy, yes the one and only DK Jimmy, kicked ass and only lost once. Then beat the undefeated champ, Dustin.

Keep an eye out on Facebook for polls on what game you want to play next.

You all rock!

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WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say band words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Ceres, Seth Bleecker from Abandon Hope Games

October 5th, 2011

Associated Press — Steven P. Jobs, the Apple Inc. chairman and co-founder who pioneered the personal computer industry and changed the way people think about technology, died Wednesday at the age of 56.

Associated Press -- Apple CEO Steve Jobs holds up an Apple iPhone at the MacWorld Conference in San Francisco, in this Jan. 9, 2007 file photo.

“Steve’s brilliance, passion and energy were the source of countless innovations that enrich and improve all of our lives,” Apple’s board said in a statement. “The world is immeasurably better because of Steve.”

His family, in a separate statement, said Mr. Jobs “died peacefully today surrounded by his family…We know many of you will mourn with us, and we ask that you respect our privacy during our time of grief.”

The company didn’t specify the cause of his death. Mr. Jobs had battled pancreatic cancer and several years ago received a liver transplant.In August, Mr. Jobs stepped down as CEO, handing the reins to Tim Cook.

Read more:  http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304447804576410753210811910.html#ixzz1ZxJose8V

Our friend Dane over at Monkey Minion Press has a new poster for you! Take a look at Revolt on their Facebook or check out their Etsy shop to see all of the nerdy goodies they have available.

We will host up to 12 players in this double elimination tournament! Sign up ahead of time at Challonge (http://challonge.com/tournaments/signup/igxws7nj8i ) and see you at Space Room!

Prizes for tournament, and whatever the hell else we want to reward people for doing!

WARNING: EXPLICIT (that means we say bad words sometimes)

Kids in this episode: Switch, Tayo, Tombstone, Wrex