When I read the article about a Saudi man purchasing an 18K-gold, jewel-encrusted penis enlarger, I was very amused.
First of all, the headline alone is worthy of our old college paper. Then there’s the fact that the company making it insists on calling it “a U.S. government certified medical device” (let alone that the co-owner’s last name is “Oh”). Then there’s the titillating details about it being transported by armored car and that the choice to make it out of gold is due to an allergy to stainless steel. I suppose the diamonds are meant to magnify the sorrowful appendage and the rubies to give it a robust coloring.
The comforting thing about this article is that it reaffirms what all men think:
(1) Our schlongs are golden, bejeweled treasures worthy of admiration.
(2) If you’re going to overcompensate, you may as well do so in a way that says you are insanely rich/rich and insane.
(3) Anyone dropping $50K on a life-saving medical device/sex toy probably makes me look like Ron Jeremy by comparison.
In any case, I wonder if this will usher in a new fashion trend for the elite, namely bejeweled codpieces. Imagine the flashing lights of red-carpet Hollywood glinting off the libidinous area of your favorite actor. Imagine the dignity of a finely crafted codpiece adding to a political debate. Imagine what trend-setting gadgetry Bill Gates and Steve Jobs would have in theirs. Undoubtedly, cable networks would follow up with shows like “Crotch-styles of the Rich and Famous” and “MTV’s Pimp My Junk”. Nascar drivers will have sponsors all over their loins (as if they didn’t already).
Of course, after it became available to everyone, it would be no big thing (pun unintended). Pretty soon, late-night television would be offering rhinestone-studding kits for codpiece-decorating at home. Finally, parents trying to be cool will show off out-dated codpieces around their eye-rolling children, who will claim such things to be so far removed from popular that they could not be seen with the Hubble telescope. (OK, I may be stretching a bit to assume future children will know what the Hubble telescope is–but bear with me.)
In the end, though, we will have to ask ourselves that one burning question: Dude, WTF?
