I’m obsessed with Xbox 360 achievements. It all started a few years ago when I stumbled upon an online community that’s devoted to analyzing, dissecting and, above all, obtaining every achievement on every Xbox 360 game. This site, x360a.org, is chock-full of excellent information on the quickest, and most efficient, ways to get all of the achievements in an Xbox 360 game, and the community is normally always willing to help others when it comes to netting those pesky achievements that are only up-for-grabs during an online multiplayer session (known as “boosting”). The best part? Members of the site (membership is free) can link their Xbox 360 Gamertags and track all of their achievements conveniently online, and with checklists. X360a.org also allows gamers to keep track of their game collection, create a wishlist of games they’d like to own, take part in contests and be able to view a game’s achievements months before it’s released. Seriously, this site is an Achievement Whore’s wet dream.

I want to make it clear that I don’t play games just for the achievements. Well, I do, but only the bargain-bin games that have achievements that I can get in only a matter of a few hours. Let me rephrase my earlier statement: I don’t play good games, games that are my personal favorites or major releases just for the achievements. I play through most games once and, if I deem the game worthy, then I play through the game again in order to get all of the achievements. I view achievements as a nice bonus to my gaming life: they increase replay value, many of them are very challenging and getting all of them in a game can sometimes be more satisfying than actually beating the game. Case in point: Red Dead Redemption. Now, Red Dead Redemption is an amazing game and has an outstanding ending (one of the best in recent memory). However, the achievement list just makes the game that much better. There are numerous achievements that require the gamer to do things that aren’t required to finish to the game, and by taking these tasks on the gamer can experience every aspect of Red Dead Redemption.

Now, of course, Gamerscores on the Xbox 360 (and Trophies on the Playstation 3) are, essentially, worthless. For the most part, obtaining achievements doesn’t net the gamer anything except bragging rights, especially when accomplishing the most difficult of achievements. There are plenty of good arguments as to why gamers shouldn’t go after achievements but, for the sake of this column, and because I believe those good arguments are wrong, I will be ignoring the haters and promoting my love-affair with achievements in a manner that can only be described as obsessive. This column will also serve as proof that I have no life and that I desperately need to get laid, natch.

So, what can you, dear reader, expect from this column? Well, every week I’ll be describing my trials and tribulations playing the dregs of the Xbox 360 library in order to boost my Gamerscore to great heights. I won’t just be playing shitty games, however – I also plan on describing my failures, and successes, in getting all of the achievements in good games that have obnoxiously difficult achievements such as Mega Man 9. Wow, fuck Mega Man 9. There’s an achievement that requires a full completion of the game without dying. I firmly believe that nobody will ever get this achievement legitimately and, if they do, Capcom should send them a gaggle of Hungarian porn stars to pleasure them for the rest of their lives. Why Hungarian? Use Google image search with “safe search” turned off. Trust me.

Wow. Mega Man and porn stars. This column kicks ass already.

GamerTag: Subtext DK

Completed:

Bully (1000/1000)

Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust (1000/1000)

TMNT (1000/1000)

The Simpsons Game (1000/1000)

Trivial Pursuit (1000/1000)

Ben 10 Alien Force: Vilgax Attacks (1000/1000)

Lego Batman (1000/1000)

CSI: Hard Evidence (1000/1000)

CSI: Fatal Conspiracy (1000/1000)

Ms. Pac-Man (200/200)

Pac-Man CE DX (200/200)

The Secret of Monkey Island: Special Edition (200/200)

NBA 2k10 Draft Combine (200/200)

Working On:

Assassin’s Creed (265/1000)

Afro Samurai (800/1000)

Forza 3 (325/1000)

Note: I just now noticed on x360a.org that there are a couple of people that have completed the achievement in Mega Man 9 that requires the gamer to beat the game without dying and, on top of that, get every other achievement in the game. To these gamers, I raise a controller to their Gamertags.